


As long as you know your place

by Noahdicc



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angry Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Bottom GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Business Partners, Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Flustered Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), GeorgeNotFound Being an Idiot (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt No Comfort, Insecure Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), M/M, Nightclub, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Rejection, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Supportive Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Top Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Unrequited Love, dreamnotfound
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:02:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 25,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28525164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noahdicc/pseuds/Noahdicc
Summary: " I remember the way you held me , I felt like I was on top of the world but I'd rather be on top of the world with you"
Relationships: GeorgeNotFound/Dream, clay/georgenotfound
Comments: 9
Kudos: 69
Collections: you've read this fucker :]





	1. lilac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "maybe its you that needs a break for once"

A large office building also known as a large corporation called “Dream”, run by a man that went by the name Clay. 

Clay or “the creator of “dream corp“ was the boss and all mighty in that. He prided himself in making something so hugely wanted but also being so hugely wanted himself. The man was strikingly attractive but incredibly intelligent for only 21. Clay himself worked with a lot of people already becoming huge in other industries who always seemed to fall in his business traps. Clay was insane in the business community knowing exactly how to market himself and his company. He made money moves and payed insanely well , who wouldn't want to be in business with him? Sure , the banks were tired of him but he prided himself in that the most.

The banks ran his numbers faster than even he could count and he loved it , he loved the money that he pulled in. He was a dirty businessman and he couldn't find one reason to care, he saw himself in a different light- he liked being right here and he wasn't going anywhere. He liked the feeling of power and his head ran in circles with thoughts of power. He only did anything for money and power. He was born for success and he was born to flex everything he earned. He could buy whatever he wanted , he could have whatever he wanted. He walked past people and he just knew he was fine from the way they gawked at him like he was a meal. 

Clay only hired the best of the best. It was just something he was known for. He couldn’t afford to mess up, and he was a perfectionist himself. His business was perfect and so was every single person he hired , because if someone didn’t meet his expectations than there is no reason to hire such a person. He was the definition of picky , he had people representing him and he didn't even need them to. He could walk in the room and everyone would tense up from the power he held. Clay was a mysterious man with his personal life and no one threatened his title and trust me if they did , they were always outplayed by the man himself.

He liked million dollar deals and he always had his pen because you know he gonna be signing, he wasn't sorry. It felt like a power high and he wasn't going to let it go , the way his brain was fogged up like he was high . The way he grimaced and felt everything in slow motion like he was living in a dream. He loved every second of it and he felt the change of air whenever he walked in the room. He wasn't powerful- he was power. The way he threw his head back and enjoyed the view in his building. Everything was his and he owned it, he owned everything around him and if he wanted someone gone he could make it happen with a snap of his fingers. 

The way Clay leaded and presented himself will always put everyone off, one thing the man refuses to do is let himself off guard. The stares that he gave people always made them cower inside themselves. The way he made anyone insecure with just a glance in their way. No one was as successful as him and normal 21 year old's envied him. He never slipped up and gave people a reason to hate him , but they still did. He never let people hating him get to him because they were just jealous , fans.

He wants respect and that’s what he’s going to get. Clay was only weak in one place but he never showed that side of him. No one knew him - he barely knew himself to begin with and he was only 21. A self made businessman at 21 years old, he had people running back to him constantly and he found it funny how people begged for their position back. Something in Clay enjoyed seeing people beg and it was his secret pleasure. 

He walked around his office as he watched each worker, studying their papers from over their shoulder and helping them out with mistakes. He leaned over someone's shoulder and smiled as he pointed at their work , making sure to lean in close to his ear. He was sure to scare people with his presence , he was a power hungry beast- feeding on others weaknesses but he was no one to talk, he was probably the worst person to talk.

**“when marketing sure to intrigue the audience"**

**"give them something to be excited about "**

He started at his new worker , the new workers name was Nick but preferred to be called Sapnap under protection of the company. Clay knew that Sapnap had chills and he saw the effect he had on him. It was fun to see. Clay knew better than to yell at a new worker he saw potential in. He needed his workers to focus and not to be over constant stress. Stress invades the mind and that's how mistakes happen , that is not something Clay will risk. He pointed out another mistake as he stayed completely calm and collect. 

**"your not in trouble , I'm not your parent I'm your boss. Here- just take it to my assistant Mr.NotFound when your finished and he will help you with any mistakes."**

**" And watch yourself around him, Nick"**

Clay smirked at the change in air between the two, he was fucked for playing with his power role but he enjoyed having fun. After his conversation with Sapnap he walked away and continued to scan the others , tapping his pen in anger when he realized everyone was slightly off with their work today. Clay was not someone to get angry but this could cost him deals , and his company. He quickly called his assistant George or Mr.NotFound but he liked George better - he knew it was unprofessional but George slipped off the tongue easier than 'NotFound'. He told him to watch over the others as while he took a lunch break. Now Clay was stressed and it wasn't a good sign at all. Clay knew everyone hated being treated like they were being baby-sat while they were at work, but it wasn’t for them, it was for Clay.

**" I never needed anything from you , and all I ever asked was for the truth"**

**"** What truth sir? The weeks almost over and half your workers are tired- they need a break " 

**"a break? I give them everything they ask for?"**

"I understand that , but maybe it's you that needs a break for once" 

Clay let his teeth munch on his bottom lip as he thought and thought , he knew how right George was but he never would agree with it. He was tired of merely everything , no matter how much this job was a dream for him it still tired him out to the core, he was head boss and everything was expected of him. He was put in the light too soon and it fucked with him. His eye bags being constantly covered with concealer like he was perfectly fine but every single night with 4 hours of sleep began to catch up to him.

He went to his office and looked at his desk , touching the wood with his fingers and tracing the designs. He couldn't fight for himself and his company was the only thing he could really keep in his possession. It was true that the powerless take every chance at power that they can , they try to control everything for the things they cant. He walked up to his window and looked out of the window, staring down at the city that he loved so dearly but hated so deeply.

He grabbed his bottle of vodka and popped the cap off , bringing the alcohol up to his lips and letting it burn down his throat. There was no reason to care either way , he had priorities, sure, but for now there was nothing he could worry about. Just him and his stupidity. He could ruin everything right now by drinking in his own office but who cared? Everyone get's tired eventually and he needed a break. He needed a break from everything going on. He was fine with it too.

He leaned his head against the glass and closed his eyes , he let himself finally relax for the first time in forever and it actually felt good to him. His mind slowly shifted to work again , he could never get away from it and maybe that was just how it is supposed to be. He is gonna work himself off the edge , until he can't work anymore. He wondered how many conferences he had to set up and how many meetings he had to attend and all the work he had to get done.

It was all too much yet he did it. No matter how much it got it was still his job and he could never get away from it. He had so much story untold behind it all. Yet he would never tell anyone those stories , he was his own man now and he never wanted anyone to see him different - he set up this rough exterior and it wasn't time for him to break anytime soon. It was never his time . He pulled away from the glass and sat down at his chair , calling in his assistant.

He grabbed at a paper and looked at the meeting he had tomorrow, he had to worry about that too. He was a huge pile of stress in itself and the walls almost felt like they were slowly closing in on him yet he ignored it like he ignored everything else. He needed a better life than this but there was nothing better than this. He watched George walk in and sit down across him , he saw how well put together George was and wondered over and over how he did it.

"before we start why do you have alcohol in your office" 

**"is it your business?"**

"id assume so"

**"I'm allowed to , aren't I?"**

"then share" 

Clay laughed at that and wondered why George would want vodka in the first place , but something about it felt fine. He would usually think first before sharing his alcohol with anyone let alone someone he paid as his assistant, but everything was thrown out the window when the brunet asked - something in Clay was submissive to George and George only , he wasn't mad about it either - he was fine with it. He didn't wanna be alone and now he had George. Weird how things turned out like that.

**" come here"**

He watched George walk over to him as he stood up , he towered over the brunet and it was almost perfect as he grabbed him by the chin and tilted his head back - pouring the alcohol into George's mouth. Something about it was oddly hot but he was just sharing right? He let his eyes focus on George's adam's apple as he swallowed , the moment felt slow and oddly sensual. It was just two men sharing a drink together and nothing more. He smiled before letting go of George and sitting down again , placing his vodka next to him. 

**"we have a meeting tomorrow , are you down for it?"**

"ill check my schedule , no promises." 


	2. rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay becomes more unhinged by the thoughts of his assistant , George makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for sexual thoughts and intrusive mindset

Clay towered over the pale boy, fingers tracing the smaller soft skin. George let out a low angelic moan at the interaction, his skin burning at the touch. Skin ship being main importance between the two. Clay brought his lips to hover over George's as they shared breath, staring into each others eyes with the equal look of passion and lust. . George awaits the feeling of Clays lips against his as he pushed upwards and brought the male down with him, their lips crashing together. Georges hands caressed Clays back as every touch was so bittersweet. Everything around them going crazy and melting them into each other. 

They shared a passionate kiss and ignored their need for air which soon caused them to pull away in need for oxygen. They pulled away in a frenzy, a sex frenzy. Clay found himself moving down as he unclothed the other male as he went down, George's breathes becoming more louder as he whined for friction. Clay pulling George's thighs apart as he began to kiss and bite at the skin. George looked so good in bruises and his skin was so soft. Clay felt the warmth of the male and grimaced at how messy George looked. 

George threw his head backwards as he squirmed slightly, gripping Clay by his shoulders and tapping him to come up "u-up" . Clay coming back up towards him, kissing him again. Clay was a need for George and a want too, or that's just what Clay believed himself. Clay continued to kiss the male while grabbing a hold of his cock and jerking him off, George let a loud moan slip past his lips and Clay took that to his advantage as he slipped his tongue inside the males mouth and kissed him deeper.

He was so confused yet continued with the brunet , his body attracted towards him and he wasn't going to stop anytime soon. It felt oddly right to hold the brunet in his embrace and have him all to himself , it was all the power he wished to reclaim and nothing felt wrong. It must have been a bad idea though , but yet he gripped onto George harder and every piece of George was trusted in his hands. George melted in his embrace and it felt exhilarating. 

"C-clay.." George stated as he pulled away and Clay was about to answer before -

Clay awoke from his sleep in pure terror, beads of sweat dripping from his forehead as he gripped onto his bedsheets. He was screaming at himself for having a boner just by thinking about fucking his assistant. The dream felt real for Clay and oh god how deep down he wished to do exactly that. He blamed himself for his thoughts wandering right back to George. He was a whole adult - no- a whole business owner thinking about boning his assistant. How embarrassing. Clay got up and his vision blurred slightly before he felt rage build up inside of him , why was he feeling this now? He had 21 years to feel something but why now? What changed.

Clay swung at his wall now as he left a hole in the wall and still the same feeling left deep in his mind, his heart sunk into his chest as he slid down his wall . He tried to catch his breath but it became harder and harder as he continued to think about the dream he just had , it was such a bad idea to think of any of that in the first place. Yesterday changed everything for him and he wondered how things could change so fast in the first place. His life was a rollercoaster and he was not ready for the drop. 

**" It was a bad idea"**

**" it was such a bad idea now I'm totally fucked"**

Clays whole mind was absorbed with George he felt so fucking miserable for thinking about the brunet in that way but he couldn't get enough. Even when his hands were bloody he still felt like pushing George against a wall and telling him how pretty he looked. He felt his mind replay everything that went on in the dream and it felt so real- so raw and it made him so messy and fucked with his mind. He was dizzy with the feeling of wanting to touch George. He missed the warmth of Georges thighs and the way he touched him- it was just a dream but it felt so good. He couldn't think straight anymore. 

**"I'm totally fucked"**

It was time for Clay to get ready because he had a responsibility of his company. It was like having a child- in which Clay never wanted a child. He took a cold shower and got himself ready and presentable. He drove himself to work in a rush as the radio played one particular song that caught his attention. "high enough". Its like the song was able to speak to him and he could feel himself relating to every lyric. His mind wandered to George yet again - it was like everything led up to the same thing, a petite brunet. Clay wondered what he'd look like in George's eyes, he wondered what the male thought of him , definitely not in a sexual way right? He wanted George to see him and only him - he would do anything for George now that he thought about it. He was never sober with George around.

The way that George fucked up his mindset and it came out of no where. Why did everything change so suddenly and why does his leg shake and his stomach twirl at the thought. Everything changed so quickly and Clay hated change more than he hated feelings. He wanted to stop and he couldn't - he was powerless and he's never disliked something more in his life. He was beginning to get lost in his head and he rushed to work now. 

He gripped onto the steering wheel as he let his foot down on the gas , he didn't need drugs in that moment - yet he never thought he ever would. He was numb for so long and now that his feelings rushed in he wondered how he was going to deal with it. He wondered how he was gonna deal with the way he saw George - his eyes played tricks on him they must have if he thought George was pretty, but oh that beautiful face was stuck in his head. 

Clay parked himself in his preserved parking spot as he got out and disregarded his blazer again , rolling up his sleeves as he checked the time. He walked up to the entrance, not forgetting to lock the door to his car before walking into his building and upwards towards his office. Everything in this building was him , under his name- and he still felt so out of control with the whole entire thing. He could go to the top of the building and look over the city and it still wouldn't feel high enough. Somewhere in his head he hoped George would call in sick or not come in to work today but part of him wanted the male close to him- his brain took him back to his dream and he wished the thought would go away. When Clay arrived at his desk he saw George sitting there - waiting for him.

"I've thought about your offer yesterday and I'm agreeing - I have the schedule for tomorrow"

George placed the folder down for Clay. Clay sat at his desk as he opened up the schedule to check through everything , his eyes scanning the plans. His head couldn't handle how George was so close to him and he could hear every little thing George did. George was squirming around slightly in his seat and Clay focused on every little part of it. He was so hype focused on the male , his eyes went fuzzy whenever he wasn't staring at George. He tried to keep contact with him either way. 

**"Everything looks perfect .** " 

**"darling you're so pretty it hurts"**

He stated the first part and the second came out as a whisper as he watched George nod in agreement before scrunching his face up slightly. Clay wasn't sure how long he could go with George in the room without his thoughts spiraling over and over - he just called George pretty and now he was fucked- George had to have heard that and it made Clay's leg bounce with the amount of anxiety he was dealing with from just thinking about it , he felt his stomach swirl and he clenched his fist slightly. 

**"you can leave now,"**

The boss stated loud and clear , clearing his throat as he expected George to just leave and that be the end of the conversation and interaction but that's not how it happened to work out and oh how the world was working completely against him. First he started the day horribly and now he was spitting out that he thought his assistant was pretty. He could have sworn he was in a dream but yet no he wasn't. So yes, Not just the world , everything was against him. 

"May I ask why your shirt is buttoned the wrong way?"

"I thought you wanted me to look presentable but you cant even withhold that yourself."

George sassed as he got up and walked over to Clay, fixing his tie and then slowly unbuttoning the mans shirt to fix it, Georges eyes fixated on making the male look presentable. Clay watched him as his breath hitched slightly at the interaction. It took everything in Clay to not push him onto the desk and take him right there. George's hands were slightly brushing against Clays chest as he fixed the males buttons slowly and the tension was holding him hostage. After that dream that Clay had he could barely handle this happening , Before Clay could muster something to say he was stopped by George buttoning the last button , tapping on his chest and whispering in his ear 

"I'm flattered to think I'm pretty to you but" 

"you're hard ."


	3. pansy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw drugging

"your hard"

The words plagued Clays mind for the whole day and even when he tried to go to sleep it still invaded his mind constantly until he fell asleep from a long day of working. In the morning he always had the exact same schedule every day - it was insanity and he craved for maybe just one day to be different. Clay let the water run down his face and down his body as he relaxed , his body being so tense as today was the day of the meeting and he needed to look the best and put on his game face. He was going to be surrounded by flashing lights and alcohol and he was sure all he wanted to do was drink away his feelings once again. He was horrible with his feelings and it wasn't that hard to tell. He would do everything to avoid feelings.

Clay finished his shower- getting himself comfortable as he spent the day doing work in his house. Today was the day that everyone worked from home because it made it easier for everyone personally. He was trying to be understanding with everyone in his team so some people stayed home and worked while others worked in the office but today everyone got to work in the comfort of their home - to sit in their bed and be comfortable instead of being in a boring office everyday.

Clay thought maybe that's why most the people that worked with him liked him so much- he tried to be understanding. He prided himself in being the best to some but knew he couldn't compete to a lot of people - they just were surprises because he was so young as he rose to have such a successful business. Clay had to wait for 7:30 but get ready around 7- it didn't take him all to long to get dressed and presentable anyways since he had showered and always picked out outfits before hand. In that way he was responsible, in many ways he was responsible. Hours passed quickly as he focused on his work and took calls from workers who needed help, there wasn't a lot of workers who needed him though which he was grateful for.

Before he knew it was 7 and he needed to get dressed. He got himself in a nice black suit with his favorite watch on to match. He was ready around 7:15 and sprayed some cologne on before grabbing his belongings. He locked up his house and walked his way to his car , his phone ringing and seeing that it was from George which made him wonder why the male would need him now but nevertheless he accepted

**"yes?"**

"I need a ride , ill send you my address"

Just like that he got stuck with picking up George , he didn't mind it- it meant more time to see the brunet and be the first to see whatever he had on. Clay hoped he wouldn't stare too much at what George had on- he knew he was attracted to the males body but his feelings always fucked with him whenever it came to George. It was always George not anyone else and that's why Clay always got so angry with himself. He was far from homophobic but he knew his parents would hate to his business fall because he was falling for his assistant. Everyone wanted to see Clay with a strong women and they never asked him what he wanted - if they only knew the person his body craved and his thoughts were overthrown with. If only they knew the way he lusted his assistant - if only they knew the way he left himself think these things.

When he arrived he texted George and honked just incase. George came walking out of his house with his blazer in hand as he quickly put it on and got into the car. 

"I'm sorry my mom took the car and I couldn't get a ride that wouldn't be late - I know this is inexcusable "

George apologized as Clay just hummed in response -somehow Clay couldn't muster words to speak back to him or even be mad at him for the inconvenience , he could barely look at him in fear he would crash the car from staring too much. Just from the way he looked leaving his house and walking up to the car door got Clay all worked up and hot. Clay was getting to heated inside the car from the close proximity between them. He turned on the ac in the car and continued to drive in silence with the brunet in the passenger seat. Something about his mom taking the car didn't seem right to him, he could tell George lied. 

The two soon arrived to the club as they exited the car , the cold air of the night biting at their unprotected skin as they rushed inside. They were greeted by loud music and drunk people all around. Bad was the owner of the club , sweetest guy ever and hates curse words with a passion and that's what confuses people the most. Bad has to deal with strippers and drunk people all day and cares about curse words? It wasn't very fitting. Nevertheless they found Bad hanging around a group of people as the music got heavier and Clay covered his ears slightly as he hated noisy places. Bad smiled at Clay before leading them to a private room soon enough. It was a little quieter in the private room but George and Clay could still the music faintly.

Bad smiled as they shook hands and introduced each other and got straight to business. Bad poured them both alcohol as they discussed business , not leaving out a single thing to discuss. They discussed their business statistics and what they thought would be better for both of their company's in the end if they teamed up and made a deal. They discussed how they would share ownership and split the company's and although Clay was trying to make everything equal he still accepted the alcohol and that was the worst mistake.

George didn't accept the alcohol but watched as Clay did - he accepted every single drink without a second thought. Clay liked that George didn't interrupt him but George was just his date- his date not assistant.. He felt realization dawn on him as he poured himself more alcohol without Bad even offering. He took a swig of the alcohol and downed his glass almost instantly. The discussion went on for a while before Bad made one final offer knowing Clay would accept

"75 percent of your company for 25 percent of my earnings"

"he's drunk, he's not making any decisions today sir"

George said sternly as he grabbed Clays hand and led him out of the club , George was disappointed that Clay would let himself get so messed up that he was barely able to walk without tripping throughout the whole way out of the club. George was thankful he didn't drink but after listening to Bad try to manipulate Clay into a deal that would have messed up his whole position as the most honored boss. George knew Clay was younger but didn't know how gullible the other was to things when he was drunk. George crossed his arms as they got out of the club

"keys now"

Clay handed his keys over instantly and they got inside the car. Yet Clay wouldn't give George his address so George decided he was going to take Clay to his house instead. Once they had arrived and almost 10 minutes of getting Clay into his house and room from how much he was stumbling he took a moment to decide what he was going to do with his Boss in his room now. Clay was completely out of it as he laid back before getting up again and exploring the room , touching almost everything in the room like a child. He picked up family pictures , old files and went through the males whole room but George didn't care- he had nothing to hide anyways.

**"this is pretty"**

**"just like you"**

George walked over to him to get him to stop and take him to the kitchen for some water so he could sober up , he wouldn't want his boss making a fool out of himself more than he already has. Yet it was cute to say the least- but when Clay turned around he grabbed George and quickly kissed him, and that's the last thing George thought was gonna happen.


	4. petals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> George lets out how he feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based off Violent by CarolesDaughter 
> 
> tw - lots of themes of panic attacks , self harm , and upsetting themes

George quickly pulled himself away from the kiss as he pushed Clay off , away from him. Georges facial expression distorting as he furrowed his eyebrows. George was confused of why he did it and it quickly turned into him spiraling into anger. He could never be angry with Clay because he's never properly had a reason to but now he felt his trust for the male breaking into a million pieces , they were both a mess under each other and he knew nothing good would come out of a relationship. George felt himself get angrier as he thought of what would have happened if he kissed back. Would he have taken advantage of his drunken boss or would he have simply enjoyed it a little too much. George touched his lips as he could barely untangle the clash of feelings- anger and desire for more. George did not like him like that- not he couldn't. 

" what was that for"

**" I don't know I don't know"**

"what do you mean you don't know? you tried to kiss me ?" 

Clay could notice how disgusted George looked- how his face distorted like he hated it. He saw how George stopped in his tracks and touched his lips with that unreadable look. Clay wished he knew George as well as he thought he did. He realized how much he hurt George after he heard the anger in George's voice as he spoke. Clay zoned out as the thoughts ran through his head and looped over and over. Did George not like him back? No that had to be it. Was he that disgusting? What was it? Clay felt his throat constrict and his eyes go blurry- going in and out of focus . Clay could barely even look up to meet the others eyes from the amount of shame he felt- it was almost like he was a child again being yelled at for a mistake. He felt so small under the brunet's stare and he was ashamed to admit it. He was terrified. 

"you- you cant just kiss me!"

Clay felt his whole mood shift again. What was he supposed to feel? The shame and the terror that ran through his veins. He tried to step closer and attempted to reach out to George , he needed the male to pull him closer and tell him its all a joke , its fake it has to be fake. Its fake right? His brain was playing tricks on him and separating him from reality , his mind was making him go crazy and he was scattered. Almost like Clay was split and he couldn't find his other half. He didn't feel like himself at all anymore. Even though he was reaching out all George seemed to do was swat away his hand and Clay for once didn't feel himself flinch or even feel the pain register. 

**" I cant feel anything- hit me"**

He saw Georges face distort again and then again Clay felt his heart fall apart. He felt like he was reaching out for George to pull him out of whatever he was spiraling into. He was lost and couldn't find his way home , his body felt cold and alone and he didn't even know what the warmth of home felt like anymore- he was a boss for a company and he'd never received love the way he needed. Whenever he thought about George and the way the male would hold him in his dreams it all felt so real. He needed that to be real. He needed George to just hold him and tell him that it's gonna be okay. It came crashing down on him that he always downplayed how much he needed him. He reached out yet again but was stopped. 

"no , do not touch me clay "

"don't make me get violent"

The words fell from Georges mouth like venom. Clay was being poisoned by Georges words and no matter what , he still loved George. Clay felt his stomach retract whatever he ate but he swallowed it down , he swallowed all traces of his pride. The pride that took years to build up took seconds to pour down the drain. He was always so well put together so why now did that have to break. He was like a tree being chopped down for just existing. Clay didn't know how much he was zoning out until George slammed his hands down on the nightstand to gain his attention. Georges facial expression showed everything , from the anger to the pure hurt. Clay wondered if George knew how hurt he looked. 

"Clay listen to me" 

**"what is it you want? you were made for begging to stay"**

**"why? what's wrong with me what did I do?"**

George was about to speak before he was cut off. 

**"you don't love me, you don't, and you cant say it"**

His eyes filled with tears , his eyes burned with tears. His hands shaking as he continued to spiral out of control , the alcohol just added to everything going on , it didn't make anything better at all and caused Clay's emotions to all come out at once. Everything he pushed away floating to the top. He was drowning in his own emotions. Where was his happy ending? Why couldn't this have been easy. He was so good at everything so why did this happen? Wasn't he the famous creator of Dream? Titles meant nothing now. Clay finally was broken and he needed George now. 

**"George please"**

Clay begged , his voice cracking as hot tears ran down his cheeks- painting his skin. He reached out again and the same emotions followed , there was no escape because there was no George to comfort him like he wanted. He was unfixable , you cant fix something that's already broken. He was like glass. He was hurting and it just caused him to wanna hurt something else to take out his anger so that's what he did. He punched a hole through the wall and watched as the blood trickled down his fist. Why couldn't he feel it? He cried harder now , his whole body shivering as he took his nails to his skin now scratching to try to feel something but nothing came. 

George watched in horror , watching Clay unfold right in front of him. George needed to do something and now as he grabbed Clay and brought him into his arms pulling Clays hands away from his skin. George held Clay close to him as he tried to soothe the other by rocking them back and forth but nothing seemed to calm Clay down from crying. George almost cried too from hearing how hurt Clay sounded- the whimpers and sobs filling his ears as Clay gripped him tighter. George saw how much he broke Clay. 

**" I love you please"**

Clay let his tears fall as he hugged the smaller, his knees shaking and almost giving in. He felt weak and unstable. He felt small all though he towered over George. He was supposed to be comforted by the rocking- but he wasn't. He couldn't stop hurting and George was supposed to make it feel better. Why was he still so upset? Even though Clay knew exactly why , he didn't wanna come to terms with it. He didn't wanna admit that George would never love him the way he wants him to. 

" **please don't do this to me"**

Clay was hyperventilating at this point and his words were barely recognizable but George could still make out every single word. Clay felt every single emotion at once and he knew that he wanted what he couldn't have. He was a child having a melt down because he couldn't have George. Clay didn't know what to do anymore. He was scared of George just leaving him alone , he finally got what he wanted and now he wanted more and its clear that he was greedy. 

**"Stay"**

"stop. just stop clay please.. calm down"

**" I don't wanna calm down George , don't you understand?"**

**"I just want you to love me - to see me the way I see you"**

The words just crushed Clay more as George laid them down to try to comfort him better since the size difference. George let Clay cuddle into him and now George was being soaked in tears. George ran his hands through the blondes hair to calm him down. The whole world was spinning and collapsing for Clay and it was the least George could do. George's other hand brought Clays chin up to look at him. George saw everything now , all the pain stored in Clay's puffy eyes. George was sorry. 

"I cant- we cant. you're my boss" 

The words weren't comforting to say the most but they made sense , nothing would ever work between a boss and his assistant. The boss does all the big work and the assistant brings them coffee or helps with paperwork. Clay was the boss and George was his assistant. Clay did all the big work and George brought him coffee. 

"I don't feel like fighting , I don't know if you'll listen either but I'm sorry ."

**"please"**

Clay begged 

**"I've never felt this way before please don't leave me"**

Clay clenched Georges shirt to keep him close , he felt the dampness that he caused. He was overthinking everything. If George hated him why was he letting him so close. George didn't hate him. Clay held onto that , he needed to. He trusted George with every bone in his body. 

**"I trust you please don't break me "**

Clay let go completely as he crashed , his heart being torn completely apart. his hands went limp as he let George hold him now. George was doing all the work as he just gave up on himself. He could give up on everything except the way he felt for George. 

**"please"**

The words fell as a whimper out of Clays mouth, never had he begged for anything more in his life. His eyes still swollen as he felt them beginning to get heavier and heavier as he drifted away into a deep sleep. Clay was finally at peace and George just laid there, stroking his hair and holding him like he was a baby. George took his time examining Clay's face now. George never got a chance to see how pretty Clay actually was. Clay had a beauty mark below his eye on his cheek, his cheeks were rosy. George ran his finger across the males cheek as he treated Clay like he was a piece of art. George sighed to himself as he thought about how things were gonna go in the morning. How was he gonna handle not only hungover but heartbroken Clay. George dialed Nick's number in need of advice. 

"Nick I don't know what I'm supposed to do"

_"what is it?"_

"its Clay , our boss, he is sleeping.. in my arms after he just cried and confessed to me. I'm-I'm worried.." 

_"Clay? are you sure?"_

"yes, he got piss drunk and I'm scared for him "

_" I don't know if you have the right guy here man.. Cl_ _ay never cries what did you do to him"_

" I'm telling you that I don't know - he just cried and told me he loved me and I didn't know what to do and now hes here laying in my arms and I don't know what to do"

_" fuck man .. I don't even know - what are you gonna do in the mornings"_

"that's why I'm calling you idiot"

_" do you expect me to know or something? "_

"a little"

_"well you're fucked , we have work tomorrow and hes gonna have a hangover. I say just nurse him back to health and hope he doesn't remember last night"_

"thank you , I will. "

_"I'm always here when you decide to make the head boss cry"_

_"_ Oh fuck off- goodbye" 

George finally hung up as he placed his phone down and turned off the lights of his room. He was going to follow Nick's advice and he hoped his mother didn't ask why his boss is in his bed. George bit down on his lip as tomorrow was going to be hell. George wished he took one last look at Clay before he turned the light off but it was too late. George felt at Clays hair , running his hands through the blondes locks as he felt his face go red. George brushed it off as nothing as he finally let sleep take over and end the night. 


	5. primrose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " I feel crazy , I'm going crazy don't you understand that?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for religious thoughts and sh

Clay opened his eyes and looked around for a little before his head began to pound and register that he wasn't in his own house. He closed his eyes and groaned as he cuddled into the pillow to try to soothe his head. Everything felt so shitty and he did not want to move or get up from the throbbing pain everywhere. It felt like his head was being split in half. He felt someone nudge him as he peaked out from under the pillow and George handed him two pills along with water and as grateful as he was he still was laying in the brunets bed with a hangover and that's how what ever kind of happy feeling dissolved extremely fast.

**"George can we talk about last night"**

"Clay there's nothing to talk about "

Clay felt like throwing up but gulped it down as he stopped to think, did George not want to talk about it because he hated that it happened? that had to be it. Alcohol made him realize how tired he was of being careful with George, how much he craved for the other to just tell him to be rough- to not care about how much it hurt. He knew George was never gonna be like that though- he knew they would never be anything more and that's what broke him, he might have been used to being alone but it doesn't mean he didn't hate it with everything in him. He remembers his fathers words about how love is meaningless when you are successful, guess that's why Clay's mother left them. Clay thought of how his father would think of him for confessing to a boy , probably take him to church and wash his mouth out with soap. Clay was scared of his dad , scared of making mistakes because he knew his father would always know. 

**" why do I always spill? god I wish I never spoke"**

**"father forgive me"**

Clay felt the bile rise in his throat as he grabbed at his throat trying to stop himself from speaking. He needed it to stop and it felt like everything around him was collapsing , the bile tasted exactly like soap and he hated it. He hated how everything rushed back to him whenever in times like this. Was he that fucked up ? He clawed at his neck as he gasped slightly for air , he watched George rush to him like he was terrified - god he was so fucked up for making George have to deal with whatever was going on with him. 

"clay stop please stop!"

"why do you want your father to forgive you clay?!" 

George pried his hands away with wide eyes as Clay began to grip at Georges wrist , his eyes pleading George to just give up on him and kick him out to never talk to him. Love was complicated and Clay wasn't used to complicated nor was he used to love. Love was something he would never understand , something he could grasp and yet his hands were grasping at the one thing he loved , George. 

**" I should have never said the word love "**

**"** clay please " 

Clay gripped harder as he realized Georges face distort in pain and try to pull away , George was gasping as he was forced to stare at Clay whos whole demeaner changed in just a second. George felt so small as Clay manhandled him like he was nothing , like he was just something to throw around- George didn't know how to feel but he didn't hate it. 

" **I feel crazy , I'm going crazy don't you understand that?"**

George didn't know what to say anymore as he let Clay manhandle him instead of trying to stop it , he brought himself closer to Clay to allow him to hug him. George saw how different Clay was- from sad last night to pure.. insanity almost. He saw how Clay needed control and he was willing to give every last bit of his control to Clay- George was sorry and just wanted Clay to be okay. Clay wrapped his arms around Georges waist and dug his head in-between Georges neck - taking in his scent as George just let him like he was jello in Clay's arms. Clay pulled away as he stared into Georges eyes which sparkled back at him .

**"George stop looking at me like that"**

**"** l-like what?" 

**" like you want me- like you want me to kiss you"**

Georges bottom lip was sticking out as he pouted and it just made Clay go wild , the look in Georges eyes fucked with his head and if he didn't leave he was gonna do something that he would learn to regret , he never learned his mistake when it came to George and that's what he hated. He pushed George away in a hurry as he felt the air in the room change completely- like it was suffocating 

**" I have to go"**

Clay grabbed his things before bolting out of Georges house without another word from either one of them. Clay didn't need to hear George right now or it would just make everything worse. Clay already felt another wave of emotions hit , he was pouring out emotions and could barely handle anything that was coming his way as he drove himself home. The last thing he needed was to get a call from his father but what happened? The phone buzzed with his fathers name beaming on the phone screen. Clay was choking up just from seeing the call but he had to calm down to answer or his father would do worse than call. 

_"clay."_

**"yes father?"**

_"You're late first of all and second of all lacking in your position yet again , mind explaining why Clay?" _

**"I've just been feeling weird I'm sorry ill be better father."**

_"Should I have to come wash your mouth out again , I will Clay . Keep yourself in check"_

Once the phone hung up Clay felt like running his car off a bridge as he went back to choking up. His father knew everything , like he was always oddly one step ahead. The man never let Clay live down one mistake and even as a kid would punish him by washing his mouth out with soap and even sometimes when it was a really bad mistake he was made to swallow the soap his father squeezed into his mouth. He remembered the taste of the soap so well that it plagued his mind every so now and then. 

The most important thing he needed to do right now was get home clean up and then get to work. He parked his car in the garage as he rushed inside and did his best to freshen himself up before throwing on a random suit that he thought would look good. He didn't care about how he looked today because his life was already crashing and what would a bad outfit do anyways? Once he finished he headed off to work and another day of suffering. 

**"why is George so hard to get out of my head"**

Clay slammed his hands on his steering wheel as he sighed and soon made his way out of his car and into the building. A few hours later and surprisingly George hadn't come near or even into his office- but Clay knew he was there and that was the hardest part. George didn't wanna see him- or did he? Clay couldn't figure it out. He spend the time looking over documents and in the middle letting his feelings rearrange him and take him completely off track of anything he was doing- he couldn't focus in his own work space. He was just thankful that when it was over it was over. 

After work Clay showered and then got into pajamas. He looked at himself in the mirror and felt at his dark circles that had gotten worse- his posture was worsening too and overall he looked like shit. He sighed and laid in his bed. Clay rubbed his face as he thought about George. It was a cycle of just George, George, and George. Was it obsession? He didn't care to find out - nor did he want to. He had to figure out what to do with everything going on and how to handle it- there seemed to be no way out until he thought of something just perfect.

**" maybe ill just disappear "**

Clay just wanted to disappear and never have to deal with anything going on anymore , he didn't wanna deal with the fact that he missed George so much and he didn't wanna deal with the company that drained him of any sense of adult-ship , he wanted to live and that's what he was gonna do. He didn't matter to anyone the way he wanted to matter to them. He hated his life so why not just disappear and make a new one where he's cared about. Running away from his problems seemed to be his only solution at this point. He just didn't know how he would deal with the withdrawal's from missing George. 

**"Even though I cant hate him , it doesn't mean he cant hate me"**


	6. dahlia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> george doesnt know what to do with clay gone

George sat alone in the office , he tapped his shoes on the ground as he waited for Clay to arrive. Maybe it was revenge for yesterday, it had to be revenge right? Clay never missed a day of work and he always showed up no matter what happened. Did he finally break the male to the core and he was rotting away in his mansion? George didn't want Clay to rot away in his house , he didn't want clays wall to be filled with punch marks. George knew Clay punched things and got aggressive and it felt like he knew him completely now. He saw the way that Clay stared at him like he was prey but also like he wanted to protect him with everything in him. Clay was locked in his own head and George couldn't do anything about it , he watched as Clay destroyed himself and just held him close. Did George even do enough? He had a cup of coffee and he was waiting for the male the whole time as the thoughts swarmed his head, he felt lonely as the coffee got colder and colder, he wished he could prevent Clay's from going cold too but nothing would prevent that. 

He didn't know what to do with the silence- he wanted to talk to Clay about yesterday and now he wasn't here. Clay wasn't here. Clay was no where to be seen and George could barely comprehend that. George felt like he was waiting years for Clay , and he would. George would wait years for Clay to arrive and just say two words to him , for him to at least say he's okay. George felt like he fucked everything up but the last time he saw Clay something felt different , he hated how Clay acted like he could read him and he remembered the way Clay stared into his eyes and George felt his whole body go weak. George felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it.

He closed his eyes for a second before looked around him , what was there to do without Clay there? Was he supposed to leave or wait? Was Clay even gonna be happy to see him? George shifted in his seat as he felt his stomach do twirls and flips. The whole office was boring and plain and he wondered how Clay didn't go insane from being in a office like this for so long, the fact that everything's always the same , the office hasn't changed since its been built and that's saying a lot. 

George stood up as he looked over the city , he loved the view of the city and maybe that's why Clay didn't go crazy sooner from being locked in this office for hours on end. He was scared of heights but he felt safe just thinking about Clay holding him and making sure he knew he wasn't going to fall, he trusted that he wasn't going to fall. He took a deep breath and planted his hand on the glass , feeling the cold of the glass on his hand. He felt like he was reaching for something and wondered if this is what Clay felt like. 

George regretted letting his trust issues eat him inside and out , he regretted the fact that trust issues were just one thing that made him imperfect. One of the many things that he hated. He chased perfection and yet he still was scared , scared of many things including the way Clay felt for him. He never watched someone trap themselves inside their head and he wish he never did , he was watching Clay go insane and he didn't know what to do anymore. He watched as Clay destroyed himself from the inside out, and yet he didn't know how to help. 

The room smelled of coffee and that awful smell of Clay lingering around the office , no Clay did not smell bad but it made George sick to his stomach just to smell Clay. Clay wasn't there but it just goes to show that it his office , its his. George let Clay have his own room in his mind and it ate him alive, he wanted for Clay to somehow just leave him alone and move on with his life but he couldn't repaint this painting . George let Clay do whatever he wanted. George hated that he couldn't find anything helpful to do , he couldn't do anything and it made him drown in his own suffrage. He knew Clay wouldn't let anyone in. 

He was exploring clays office before a blonde walked into a office. She looked like a younger version of Clay and it fucked with Georges head. It made his brain play tricks on him and his image of her switched between her and Clay, It felt like Clay was walking up to him and then it was just her. Who is she? She isn't Clay. George panicked as his throat constricted slightly , who was she and why was it so scary to see her? She was just a women. 

"what are you doing in here?" 

"I should be asking you the same question why are you in Clays office?"

" haven't you heard? he asked me to take his position and hasn't contacted me since" 

George didn't know what to do with this information as he just looked around the room , She was taking his place. She will never be as good as Clay. He still had no idea who she was and it wasn't like he cared anymore, he didn't care who she was even if she was his new boss. She wasn't Clay. The only thing that repeated inside his head was how she wasn't Clay. George was rocking back and forth without realizing as his hand was shaking slightly at the thought of anything nearly like this happening. He must be dreaming right? He just has to wake up.

George needed to wake up and he couldn't , he tried to slap himself but she just stared at him like he was crazy. He couldn't have missed clay? no that couldn't have been it at all. He was scared of change , change was happening to quickly and he wasn't used to Clay not being there. He saw him everyday and he was not used to anything. he didn't chose this and he just wished it would be over by now. He felt everything shift around and it was like the walls were moving , he needed to get out and now. 

George left the office as he clenched his stomach in pain , his head was pounding and his stomach was killing him. Nothing he did ever felt good enough. He just wanted this feeling to leave him alone. He was shaking uncontrollably as he navigated through the office , he saw Nick headed towards him in shock as he ran to the bathroom. He locked him inside the bathroom and stared into the mirror. He looked so boney and he saw how much tears were rushing down his face , he saw how much his dark circles covered his under eyes and made him look like he was dead. Everything looked like it was moving and he could see Clay move behind him but when he went to check Clay was no where to be seen. 

George ran to a stall as he released everything from his stomach into the toilet, the tears rolling down his face as he felt his whole body shake. he was cold all over and he felt so weak. He was so god damn weak and he could hear the door being pounded on , the begs for him to open the door got louder as he curled up in the stall trying to hide from the loud noises. All he could think about was clay , it was all clay. Why did he miss the males presence that much that the only thing that he needed right now was Clay. Its like the universe was taking its revenge on him. 

George gasped from the loud noise as the bathroom door finally was broke down by Nick and a few others and Nick rushed in there to George. Nick pulled George close to him and he could feel how much George was shaking . Everyone was worried as Nick held George in his arms. George didn't calm down he just froze in Nicks embrace. 

"leave me alone"

" I need him" 

George tried to get out of Nicks embrace and he cried harder as he struggled , he liked when Clay held him closer but this isn't Clay. George screamed and cried as Nick held him close and didn't let go until George didn't have anymore energy to fight back. George just let his legs give out and fell lip in Nicks arms as he cried and shook. 

"please Nick"

_" I'm sorry George I cant"_

_"_ I cant handle change"

_" I know George I know"_

_"_ Does he hate me?"

_" I don't know , please calm down for me"_

George wanted to repeat himself until Nick gave him a answer , his heart couldn't handle if Clay hated him. If this is just day one without Clay then what was George gonna do tomorrow? Why is Clay leaving now? George didn't want to admit how much he missed Clay. George felt himself slip away and his thoughts fade as he fell asleep, Nick scoffing as he picked George up bridal style and took him to the infirmary. Nick was worried for George beyond now. 


	7. orchid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "happy birthday by the way"

George groaned as he didn't wanna walk into the building , yesterday was a nightmare and he didn't want to go back. He broke down in front of the whole office and everyone watched as he cried like a little baby over Clay. They watched him throw a tantrum and look like a child that got its toy taken away from him. George despised going back but he had to , he had to face everyone again and look into their eyes like it never happened. It was painful because it did happen. George still barely knew what to do with himself without Clay there and it was driving him to points of insanity. He felt so close to Clay and then everything came crashing down and he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready for everything to go so horrible and now he was completely alone with how he felt. 

He felt like screaming every single time he thought about that blonde women who sat in Clay's desk and pretended like she was better than him. He felt like ripping his hair out and stuffing it into her mouth until she finally shut up. She was loud and obnoxious. He hated how she looked so much like Clay - was she put in this position to drive him crazy? Was this Clays plan? To ruin him and break him. He knew Clay better than that and it wasn't like him at all. He saw how much Clay craved his touch and his attention and maybe that's why he left, but it still made no sense. 

He didn't wanna see Nick after the male saw him so vulnerable and weak. The way that he fought against Nick made him sick to think about. He felt shivers run through his body thinking about how tightly Nick held him , like he was going to fall apart. George never fell apart but yesterday was completely different. He felt like he was missing something and it bothered him to the core. Not even Nick could get anything out of him to the point he just quit and told George to contact him whenever he needs him. 

As much as he didn't wanna go in yet here he was stepping into the building he slowly began to hate , he hated it because the clock ticked and Clay wasn't there , he wasn't there to bark commands or randomly call George into the office and say stupid shit just to see him. He missed how much they challenged each other like children. He saw a part of Clay he was sure that no one else saw and now he saw none of Clay. he wasn't crazy enough to go over to his house and bang on his door. George knew he shouldn't be thinking about it this deep either. Maybe he was just taking a break- yeah that was it.. definitely. 

George barely knew why he cared so much , he didn't know why he sat and conspired about why Clay wasn't here- it was day two and he didn't wanna repeat day one. It was like he was forced to live in hell and he hated it. What if Clay never came back and he had to deal with it? What if Clay was doing this because he was ready to sell the company and he chose not to see everyone again. What if he was moving on with his life and never wanted to see George or anyone again? That couldn't be it. 

After yesterday everyone looked at him weirdly like he was crazy and he hated it , he hated how nick never left him alone when he was struggling the most - he hated it because when Clay was in that position he did the same thing but it was different. everything was different now. Nick wasn't Clay. He could never see Nick the way he saw Clay- he could barely make out how he saw Clay. He knew that Clay was different than anyone else though- he was having withdrawals and he refused to think about how bad they were going to continue to get. 

Her name was Allison , that lady- the boss lady. Allison would constantly ask everyone around her for different things and she barely got anything done. It was George basically running the company as he got everything done for her. He wondered how Clay did it- how he ran a company and did it so smoothly and like it was so stress-free. He wondered how Clay could keep his composure so well while George was about to cry from the stress of doing everything. 

Allison called George in the office at least a thousand times and George felt his arms and legs go completely numb from doing so much. The only thing that made him keep coming back was the hope this all was a dream and Clay would appear and flash him that famous smile. Clay would talk to him and flirt with him like George didn't know. George knew every single time the blond flirted with him because he always had that shit eating grin that gave it away. George smiled at the thought . Yet it was never the blond male there , it was her. her. 

George hate calling her Allison, she didn't deserve a name- even if she was Clays "sister" she still deserved no recognition for that. Her personality was nothing like Clay's and it annoyed him how much everyone treated her like she was a goddess when she could barely do the job properly. Every male gawked over her and stared at her body like she wasn't even a human and it was disgusting- George may hate her but he could admit that everyone was a animal. He hated her personality the most though- he couldn't even compare Clay to that. 

Clay was sweet, he was narcissistic at times but he cared more than she ever could. He had a personality that lit up the whole room but could quickly shut it down as quick as it lit up. He was sweet but scary if you messed with him. George was lucky that Clay never got mad with him. Even when he did get angry - George could see how much it pained him inside. He was a misunderstood person and everyone treated him like he was something to just keep piling shit onto but the truth was that he was breakable- Clay was breakable. 

As much as Clay was breakable so was George and George was breaking without clay. He was cracking slowly without hearing Clay's voice- his laugh his everything. 

George hated every feeling that came along with thinking of Clay. Even though it wasn't painful it was so intoxicating that it made him want to think about him every hour of the day. It was sweet and comforting and it felt like butterflies dancing around in his stomach. Everything else hurt and it overwhelmed the feeling when he thought about Clay- sometimes he couldn't feel it from how much he was hurting. He knew it had to be something wrong with him. Maybe he needed professional help- or maybe this was just something that was normal. 

He kissed Clay , and that was all right? That had to be the reason for all of this- his mind was playing tricks on him and making him believe things that weren't true. This feeling was made up and distorted inside his brain- he only missed Clay because he was used to seeing him everyday and now that he hadn't seen him it ruined the cycle of seeing him every day- that had to be it. Even if it was something else he refused to identify it. 

George was zoning out as he was pulled out of his thoughts by Allison standing right in front of him and snapping her fingers . 

_"George"_

"Yes miss?"

_"Did you know it was Clay's birthday today? "_

"oh.. " 

Why did he not know this? It was his birthday- Clay's birthday. He was 22 now and George had not one clue about it. Clay must have never talked about his birthday because George never heard about it once- it must have been something he hated or he just liked to spend it with family and prefer to not tell anyone. He needed to call Clay - now he finally had a reason to call him other than to hear his voice. He would sound pathetic to just call him only for that. 

George got up as he went to the bathrooms, they installed a new door already and he felt everything rush back to him. George couldn't think about yesterday now- he had to call Clay and tell him happy birthday, he got into a stall as he took a deep breath and pushed down everything he was feeling- he needed to drown his feelings in order to not spill them everywhere. He picked up the phone with his hands shaking loads- he had to do this. 

George rang Clay until he answered- he was not going to give up. He would call Clay every single day just to see if he could get even a one word response - George was stubborn and he was not going to leave the bathroom until he heard Clay's voice through the phone. George heard the call pickup as he felt his heart leap out of his chest. 

**"George?"**

"Clay , please come back to the building I hate her"

**"George I cant do that"**

"Why? where are you Clay?"

**" I cant answer that"**

"clay please" 

**"please don't call me , George"**

"clay wait- stay"

**"bye George"**

The line went dead just as George spoke. 

"happy birthday.. by the way" 

George let the phone fall onto the floor as he pressed himself against the wall, Clay hung up on him and now he was alone again- he didn't even get to say happy birthday. His whole body was frozen as he could barely make out what just happened- everything felt so unreal. Everything was falling further and further apart and it killed George. It killed George to watch everything fall apart like it was meant absolutely nothing. The roles switched - George was begging Clay to stay instead of Clay being the one to beg. 

George slid down the wall as he curled up and let his tears fall- his tears at least were a little comforting. The bathroom must be his favorite place to be during crying. George wished everything was different - he wished Clay was still here - he wished he never broke down in front of Nick- he wished none of this happened and his life went back to normal. He craved normal- he craved something to kill time because god did everything seem to be going in slow motion - it was slow and painful. 

He was stuck and if he didn't know better he'd think he was obsessed with Clay.


	8. Ambrosia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "can you let it go? can you let me go"
> 
>   
> "you dont need me " 
> 
>   
> "I do" 
> 
>   
> "then let me disarm you"

George could feel himself fall deeper and deeper into the same hole , it was like it was pulling him deeper and deeper every time. There was no way to escape it either- everything was the same. He was tired and he had no strength anymore. He could barely handle work let alone coming home and laying in his bed. It felt like everything he did was never good enough and as much as he wished to be alone he could never achieve that. He would be alone with his thoughts that would just make everything a thousand times worse. His bedsheets were covered with tears every single night that he was left alone. 

Everyday repeating the same as yesterday , over and over. He wasn't just falling into a hole - it felt like insanity. He went to work , did his work , and went home to cry every single day. Nothing changed and as much as he hated change he wished he would just get one call from Clay. He wanted Clay to break the cycle and all George wanted was a call- a message- anything. He would check his phone so much it became a obsession of his and his dark circles under his eyes just darkened more and more. 

Nick started coming over more recently and George hated it. He was being babysat and he was not a child anymore. He threw fits like a child but that was it. George might have wanted a change but he didn't want Nick to come over everyday and babysit him. Either way it hadn't felt the same since Nick wasn't Clay. Nick was nothing like Clay and even if he was all George wanted was Clay. The perks of Nick coming over was he was almost like a maid and got everything George asked for. That was it. 

As weeks passed his feelings never changed , he would consider therapy and then completely shut down. He wouldn't talk to his mom about how he felt and she was the most concerned out of every one. Maybe that is why Nick came over so often. George always thought Nick came over to help him but maybe it was a way to help his mother instead. Did Nick really care about him or did his mother put him up to this? Was this just a babysitting job after all or did they think George was gonna..

George clenched his teeth at the thought and decided to move on with that, he hated thinking that. What angered him the most was the fact he didn't know what he was feeling anymore or why he was feeling this. He wished everything was different most days but it never was. He watched as his mom talked to Nick day after day asking if he got anything out of George but nothing. George feared his mom getting him put away for his feelings and it made him shiver every single day that passed. Maybe he could fake it? Maybe he could make it go away somehow. 

He felt like a psycho for thinking he could make it go away , he knew that it was nothing like a physical sickness. He couldn't just take medicine and it go away in a week or two. He was dancing in the dark all alone and he wanted the person he was to dance with be Clay. He wanted to pull Clay out of the dark with him. George shook his head as he twitched slightly , he wanted to disarm Clay. He wanted to see what Clay actually was like without the boss persona, drunk, or any of that. If feelings were a sickness he would never wanna be cured. 

The whole world was spinning around him and all he did was sit back and let it happen because there was nothing to do. Nothing to do if he didn't have Clay. His world revolved around Clay and now that there was no Clay - his world was crashing. He never realized how much he depended on the male from day to day. It was almost like his life was nothing without Clay- like he would never feel complete without him. He wanted to be with Clay everyday and see him smile, he wanted to hold him close again. 

Nick was currently over and watching as George zoned out for the close to 30th time in the two hours he has been there, he watched George twitch and clench and unclench his fists. He watched the emotion in his best friends eyes overflow. Nick wondered how George acted like he wasn't there, like he was in his own world. Nick was worried there was no George there anymore and he needed to say something , he needed to help George. 

_" George just call him"_

" He wouldn't answer"

_"You call him or I will , I cant watch you fall apart anymore"_

"I'm fine Nick." 

_"Don't lie to me George , your eyes are puffy from crying so much and your room is a mess and it has been for weeks now- I'm tired of not being able to help you. "_

"and he would help me how?"

_" you check your phone every five seconds to see if he has texted you , your ringer is always off because your waiting from a call from him - you need him"_

" I don't need him"

_" do not lie to yourself and call him - ill leave the room if you want"_

"fine I will- leave ' 

George watched nick walk out of the room as he gripped at his phone until his knuckles turned white. He was scared beyond belief of calling Clay. He finally let his eyes tear up. His throat hurt from all the pent up emotions and his need to cry was pushed back yet again. He needed to do this- he needed to listen to Nick. The last time he called Clay it was a disaster and he hoped Clay didn't block him. Out of everything that was about to happen George still had hope that Clay would pick up. He had hope for the first time in a long time. 

George typed in clays number and clicked the call button , he put the phone up to his ear and let the ringing of the phone override his ears, he was sensitive to everything now apparently. He looked in his mirror and let his other hand touch at his cheeks and roam around his face, he looked dead. He never would have thought that he looked this bad. He could barely recognize himself from the strong person he used to be, he had the biggest smile but now there was no smile there anymore. Just a frown. 

He didn't feel close anymore , not to himself not to anything. He didn't have anyone he could confide in- well he had Nick but he could never understand what went on inside his head. Nick would think he was crazy by far and send him away. He wasn't crazy, he was falling apart. He couldn't explain why , he could never explain and it felt like his biggest flaw. Oh how horrible he was with his feelings. Especially his feelings when it came to a certain blond. Maybe Nick is finally right - maybe he does need Clay more then he realizes.

He needed to make up how he felt and he didn't know how to anymore , if he had no idea how he felt then how could he make it up. He realized he was zoning out again as he wiped a tear that fell down his cheek and composed himself , clearing his sore throat. George waited and waited until he finally heard the line pick up

"Clay?" 

**"yes George?"**

He didn't feel alone anymore just from hearing Clay's voice , chills ran up his spine and he let his body relax against the wall. He wanted this to all be over and yet everything was far from over , everything was just beginning and that is what worried him the most , he was breaking and it was just the beginning of long nights and all the pain that is held in the future but how was he supposed to handle that when he can barely handle things right now. 

" its been weeks , please come back"

**" I told you not to call me"**

" don't go so easy please - don't go and leave me"

"everything's falling apart clay I need you"

**" i-im sorry George I-"**

"can you let it go? can you let me go"

"you don't need me " 

**"I do"**

"then let me disarm you" 

**"disarm me?'**

" I just wanna know what I feel , I cant stop thinking about you"

" I had to call you , I have to make up my mind of how I feel and I need you to tell me "

**"tell you what?"**

"tell me you love me"

**" I love you"**

George let himself crumble as he let out a sob , curling up as he kept the phone close to him. His hands shaking along with his whole body. The conversation hurt but as long as he heard Clay's voice that's all that mattered. It warmed up his body to hear Clay's voice and made shivers run down his spine, his cheeks were brighter with life and George could see it. He finally saw it. How he wished for this moment to never end, he looked alive. 

"where are you"

**" I cant come back"**

" come to me"

**" find me"**

George heard the line go dead and let his phone drop to the floor as he finally cried , he never wanted that conversation to end and it made him rage to think that everything just ended and now it was gone. Clay's soothing voice wasn't there anymore. He threw his phone across the room and had almost a temper tantrum as he cried and cried until his throat hurt , he had to find clay now. He needed to find him no matter what , even if he had to search the whole city - he would do it. 

Nick walked in and rushed over to George, instantly bringing him close and hugging him to try to calm him down. He cared not one bit about how soaked his shirt was getting but cared more about if George was okay. 

_" what happened?"_

" I have to find him Nick." 


	9. Florence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you really found me"
> 
> " no , you came to me"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dr*g abuse and mentions of dr*gs, sexual content , mentions of dr*gging

The lights beaming a vibrant red. A rough night that turned into the same thing every morning. Friends with strangers just to stray away from loneliness. They all sat in a circle in a private room. Everyone is out of their mind. Popping ecstasy or smoking pot. The blunts passed around in a circle and the shake of the pills in the bottles making peoples heads turn freakishly fast. It was like everything was going in slow motion as they hit the blunt , inhaling the smoke and feeling the cough creep up in the back of their throats but it was concealed by connecting their lips to others as a pastime.

Clay was the only one not snogging anyone as he brought the drugged up drink up to his lips , he knew it was drugged and that was the purpose. These were his people. He looked around to see everyone attached at the hips , grinding, kissing , and almost fucking. He expected it every time but in front of others? He scoffed just thinking about shagging someone in front of someone else. Well he wasn't opposed to it but he wanted his partner all to himself and for his eyes only. He watched as the man and women made out , passing the drug back and forth with their tongues as they devoured each other.

He stared at the 16 lines on the table and moved over , shuffling his body as he rolled up a hundred dollar bill and began at line one. It all began at line one and then the further he got the more fucked up he got. He was fine with the way that he got fucked up- no one knew his title and didn't care for that information. He was just like everyone else and there was no expectations of him. He loved the feeling and he was addicted , he finally found a way to get away from everything he was feeling and the new addiction started now. 

He watched their desperate bodies grind against each other like they were going to repopulate the world with the amount of sex they were about to have. He turned his eyes to see two women making out and it was the same. He wondered if these were just quick hookups or they just enjoyed getting fucked up together. He wondered if George would ever do that with him , but he knew deep down the male would kill him to know he was out partying.

He knew how much George was breaking and that's why he went out every single night and avoided his responsibilities , and he left his feelings behind. Those two phone calls made it a extra 2 lines and that is the story of why he does 16 lines. It started out 2 and then multiplied every time the drugs didn't hit him the same. He could barely handle hearing George cry and he wondered how beautiful the male looked with tears running down his eyes and begging him. He really couldn't tell his wrongs from his rights anymore

He doubted couples would get fucked up at a club together but everywhere he looked everyone was making out. Clay never talked around them and everyone always wanted him to talk but he was just a quiet soul when under the influence of drugs. Clay sat back as he took a drag of the blunt and blew the smoke out into the air now realizing how much the air was smothering him. He was used to it by now, the way that the smoke filled up the room. 

His lungs probably hated him but he could care less anymore, he watched as a girl walked up to him and he could tell from the way her hips swayed and the way she dressed she was looking to give him a private dance. One dance wouldn't hurt right? 

" come sweetheart"

He let himself be taken away by the girl that claimed her name was Claire. His hate for loud sounds slowly faded as he came here more and more. This was his new home and he was in his zone. This was his zone and these were his people. That's what he would like to think. As she dragged him away to a private room he watched his surrounding change and wondered what part of the club was this. 

**"This must be a private part of the club"**

"All for you" 

Once at the room he let her onto his lap and she passed the blunt from her mouth to his , holding it as he inhaled . He blew the smoke in her face and watched her giggle - disgusting. He hated the way she giggled but maybe this is what he needs , to move on or to get laid. They passed the blunt back and forth before she slowly began to move her hips on him , showcasing her boobs as she leaned over and kissed from his cheek down to his neck.

Every touch felt disgusting to him and everything felt like it was in slow motion and his head started to hurt slightly. He was good at tolerating weed but this must have been laced. She fucking laced the weed and now he was panicking. He pushed her off of him and stumbled out of the room , trying to find his way out of the building as he could feel the shake of his hands and his stomach twisting and turning , it has never been this bad before.

He placed himself on the wall as he grabbed his phone which felt like forever as he stared absentminded at the screen as his hands shook wildly trying to dial the right number. The number he knew he had to call- he had no one else. It felt like his body was on fire as he brought the phone up to his ear and tried to navigate his way out. Every wall seemed to close in on him as everyone in the club had faded out into small blobs and every time he tried to move he was stuck inside his own head. The phone had picked up on the third ring and all he heard was “hello” over and over but he couldn't find his voice to speak.

Once he found the exit he stumbled out and saw a person running towards him with a worried expression , his eyelids were closing on him as he slumped on George. George was trying to ask him a million questions but Clay couldn't hear them as he snuggled into the brunet. Clay groaned at how good George smelled. He was trying to speak to tell George what was wrong but George got the message and dragged him to the car, getting him in the passenger seat. 

"Clay? can you hear me"

**"y-yes"**

"what were you doing?! are you high?" 

**"go to the building, my building.."**

**"** Clay answer me or I wont "

**"yes, yes I'm high"**

"I was worried for weeks and you only call me when you're high?"

**"high...?"**

"yes Clay, high." 

"its 3 in the morning , and you want me to go to the building?"

**"yes, please"**

"okay"

They drove in silence as Clay swayed to his own beat , his eyes fixated on the window he stared out of. He watched the city lights pass by and laid his head back and let his eyelids close , he was relaxed and way more calm now that he was with George. Clay opened a eye to look at George and saw him focused on the road like Clay wasn't even there. Clay frowned and groaned. He was like a child wanting attention from their parent and yet he found the worst way to do it- yet he could barely control himself. 

"what?"

**"you look pretty with the lights in the background'**

"I'm still mad at you" 

**"you could never"**

The silence took over again as Clay rolled down the window and let the cold air wake him up and sober him just a little, he felt alive and that's what he loved. He smirked slightly at the thought of George rushing to pick him up but wondered how he was still awake. George didn't look like had slept in a while maybe that's why. 

**"you really found me"**

  
" no , you came to me"

They arrived at the building and Clay got himself out of the car , he could barely walk in a straight line but he made it to the door and unlocked it quickly. He pulled George in the office and took him up to his floor, It was comfortable silence and Clay didn't wanna disturb how comforting it was. instead he just stared at George features and admired how beautiful he was. George still looked pretty in his worst days and that's what Clay admired about him , he was truly a work of art they would frame at a museum. 

Clay led George into his office as he opened the curtains and admired the view of the city. He brought George in front of him and wrapped his arms around him while placing his head on the males shoulder comfortingly. It felt like a dream to hold George this close to him and to stare at the city at the same time. He didn't care about any of his other worry's, just this moment was his main priority. He felt George's breath hitch when he snuggled his head into his neck. 

**"stay by my side"**

" I wont ever leave"

**" good"**

**"nothing I could ever say would help you understand how much I love you"**

"I wish I could understand"

Clay took in George's scent as he closed his eyes , humming lightly to his favorite song. They just were there with each other , and nothing was going to change for right now. They were lost in the city lights with each other. If romance was dead then why did it feel so alive in this exact moment. He felt alive with George in his arms. 

"is it bad that I want you to do things to me"

**" What things George?"**

"bad things"


	10. chrysanthemum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " I get what I ask for , I get what I want" 
> 
> "then have me darling"

"very bad things"

**"like?"**

" I want you forever , scars on my body to prove you want me the same" 

Georges turned around in Clays embrace and pressed himself onto the glass , bringing Clay closer to him. Georges face redder then a tomato now as Clay stared at him. He felt naked under the males stare and it intrigued him. He could never hate Clay when the male looked at him like he was a diamond. His breath hitched as Clay pulled him towards the desk, Clay cornered him between the desk and him. Placing his hands on the desk between George as they were so close George could see the sparkle in Clays eyes as they stared at each other.

It wasn't the tension that suffocated them- it was the way they took away each others air from one stare. It was completely silent as George brought his hands up to Clays cheek as he traced his fingers down to the males neck and pressed down his nails into the males nape , Clay responded with a deep breathe. They had no space to move closer as they shared air now , the sexual need invading their lungs and body now. They pushed their lips together , devouring each others lips before George pulled away leaving Clay to try to pull him back in.

" I get what I ask for , I get what I want" George breathed out

**"then have me darling"**

"then stop acting like you don't want me , your a terrible liar"

**"stop reading my mind "**

"what do you want then? tell me "

**" I want you and only you , I want to take you, show you things, make you feel things you've never felt before , I wanna kiss you until you cant breath and fuck you until you cry out my name"**

"Words are just words until you act on them , are you true to your words Clay?"

**"yes, I'm so true to my word- just wait until I act on them , I wanna make you feel so good"**

" describe to me how my darling "

**"I could describe millions of ways I will bend you over and worship your body"**

" I want to completely and utterly destroy you"

**"Then destroy me , ake me cry in your arms , my sweet boy. Tell me how much you hate me, despise me while I show you how much I love you- I wanna touch your body and make it painfully sweet my darling"**

"Id love nothing more than to make you cry , watching your tears run down your face , I crave the sight of that almost as much as I crave your body intertwined with mine. Your my sweet boy , sweet in every way possible , taste you like the drug you are"

**" I wanna watch you beg for my hands around your throat and I wanna make you scream my name , say my name baby say it , I can see how turned you are on too "**

**"** clay.. clay.. clay"

The brunette chanted out as Clay wrapped his hands around his throat and brought him closer so that their lips ghosted each other, Clay smirked as he bit down on George's lip until he drew blood. He heard George whimper as he licked up the blood and tightened his grip around George's throat , it felt so wrong but so right at the same time.

"hurts so good" 

**"your mine to touch , only I can hear those beautiful words fall from your mouth. I own you. Ill watch as your underneath me and strip you from your morals. ill take away your chance to ever step in a church again , baby I'm your god now so worship me. Get on your knees for me, I'll make you my precious sinner and you'll drink my blood as your faithfulness towards me. "**

" be my god , be my religion . I'll worship you. I'll be on my hands and knees for you. Why would I ever need to walk into church again when I can be on my hands and knees for my god right in front of me. Ill praise and worship you as you promise to completely devour me , all of me. You own me, you always will."

**"Tell me how much you love me "**

"no"

George was now sitting on the desk as they ravaged each other of each others clothes , out of breath from their words and kisses. Clay couldn't hold back anymore as he needed George and George needed him now. Their bodies craved each other and the way their brains went foggy while their bodies touched. The whole room felt hot and suffocating but it felt too good to stop. Neither of them wanted to stop. They couldn't make it without each other and needed each other. 

Clay left open mouth kisses along Georges neck and took his time worshipping the males whole body , George trusting Clay with his body. They were both naked , in a office but did they care? no. They needed this and that's what they were gonna get. George jolted his hips upwards as he whined for friction , his doe eyes staring into Clays soul. Clays hand wrapping around his waist as George arched his back at the touch , his head thrown back in pure pleasure as they worked each other , suffocated each other.

George wrapped his arms around the Blondes neck as his fingers ran through the locks of the others hair , slightly pulling at the strands. Clay grunting at the hair pulling which caused George to do it again but harder as he gripped onto him , Clay running his hands down to the smaller males thighs and massaged at the skin , gripping at the beautiful thighs. Clay leaned down as he spread the males thighs , biting and kissing the skin as George gripped onto his hair once again , Clay looking up at him to remain eye contact as he continued.

**"do you want this** **"**

George gasped out a yes as Clay stood up now as he quickly found the lube in his desk , lubing up his fingers. George laid back on his elbows and waited for Clay as he spread his legs for the male . They were both completely out of it and unashamed of their need for each other , Clay inserting the first finger as he worked it in and out of George , hearing the males whines and gasps from the feeling. After a while Clay added another and then a third , working them in and out of George . George's moans becoming more needy and whorish as his thighs shook from the pleasure. George needed more and he needed Clay now

"take me , take me Clay "

George moaned out. Clay nodding as he slipped his fingers out and lubed up his cock before entering inside the other. They moaned in sync as the pleasure spread around their bodies and fogged up their minds with thoughts of each other. Their bodies worked together to create pleasure as they rocked back and forth , their noises anything but low as Clay devoured George , George gripping at the males hair as they kissed again. Clay moved his hips in a slow motion , Georges legs wrapping around his waist and bringing him closer as Clays hands went to hold Georges thighs. Fingernails digging into the males thighs. It felt perfect in that exact moment.


	11. Amaryllis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "did it mean nothing?"
> 
> " I don't know "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stream roadtrip
> 
> mentions of abuse

After last night it was awkward between George and Clay , they kind of just parted their ways and didn't talk but the not talking was normal for them. They were separated from each other despite how much they needed each other. Together they didn't think and that was the problem. Last night shouldn't have happened even though they both didn't regret one single bit of it. After thinking so much they were tired of thinking and they were each others release from that. 

Clay decided he wanted to go into work for the first time in forever. Part of it was that he wanted to see George and the other part hinted that he wanted to see how Allison ran his company. He doubted she was as good as him in what he professionalized in. He chose her because he knew deep down she was the best person and also because he did not want his dad in his office. He didn't want his dad 100 feet near him or his pride- his company. He never told anyone about his dad but it was normal back then.

It was normal for men to beat sense into their children and set unreachable goals for them. He was scared and he was a adult now. He was scared his dad would come back to haunt him if he made any more mistakes and somewhere in his heart he couldn't bring himself to hate his dad, he grew up around kids that had perfect parents that let them do whatever they would like but no. He was taught feelings were weaknesses and to not talk back unless you're in a higher power than them. He hated the way he grew up but now everything has changed hasn't it? 

Clay walked into the office and looked around , remembering last night that came in waves. It all flashed in his memory like a core memory that he would never let go. He would never let go the way George spoke to him, his gasps, and his moans. Clay remembered how pretty George looked under the city lights and it made his heart burst, he felt happy while thinking about George. Clay felt like he was dreaming last night but it was real. All of it was real. He thought those things would only happen in his dream's . He sighed before walking into his own office , seeing Allison there on the phone talking to someone.

" **hey"**

"oh hey I didn't know you were coming in today"

**"last minute idea"**

" hold on I called up the assistant "

**"oh-"**

George walked in and the air just stiffened instantly , they stared at each other for a second before Clay averted his gaze back to Allison. He noticed the way she bit her lip when he entered the room, the way she twirled her hair around and around. He noticed everything. She was staring at him like she wanted him , wanted to ravage him like she was a tiger. It made Clay beyond mad just to think about , he clenched his fist and tried to calm down. He did not want to get violent in a place that held all of his pride. He had to keep cool because now was not the time to break. 

Clay watched the way George paid attention to her, like George was avoiding him. It just made Clay want to smash everything in the room. He was definitely jealous of it all. He wanted George to see him and him only. He wanted to shove a binkie in her mouth just so she would finally shut up, she was getting on his nerves. Clay didn't have much nerves left anyways. George must have noticed how unsettling the air had gotten and looked at Clay for a second. Clay just knew that George saw how upset he was getting. 

_"George! nice to see you in here!"_

"hi"

_"can you get me some coffee and maybe a valentines card~"_

"yeah of course whos it for?"

_" guess"_

"your boyfriend"

_" you're not my boyfriend"_

Clay stiffened as the conversation went on , she was making a move on him. She was so tiring to hear and her voice was so whiney in Clay's head. Clay sighed as he leaned against the wall and tried to let his nerves regenerate before he murdered her. George didn't love her and that's all that mattered to Clay. George last night proved that he was Clay's right? It meant everything to Clay but did it mean everything to George? Did he regret it? Was he going to pick her instead? No , he couldn't pick her.. 

"oh thanks?"

_"what do you say?"_

"I-"

**"Stay away from things that aren't yours"**

**"and if you understand that then that will be all."**

Clay grabbed George and dragged him outside of the office , he was fuming and close to exploding. George was trying to push Clay away but to no avail. Clay was not going to let George go and say yes to her. George was not hers , and she was not George's. They did not belong to each other. Clay would do anything to get George to say he loved him and he wished right now was that moment. He was so possessive for what reason? George could never be his. No matter how hard he tried it would never change. It meant nothing.

**" what the fuck, did last night mean nothing"**

George didn't reply and Clay pinned him to the wall now, they stared into each other's souls now. Clay bit his bottom lip and almost drew blood from how angry he was. He was angry and not was he only angry he was spiraling into the same hole as before. He wanted to break down and cry but he also wanted to punch a hole in the walls until he bled. He wanted to be everything to George no matter what, even if George didn't love him the same way. He could handle it- he just wanted him close and never wanted to let him go. 

**"did it mean nothing?"**

" I don't know "

**" you don't know?"**

" I'm confused clay!"

**" I just wanna be yours"**

**" and I want you to be mine"**

" I'm not with her clay"

**"I hate seeing you with someone else"**

" I'm not with anyone else" 

**"why not me?"**

" I would tell you if I knew , I promise."

**"since last night meant nothing then let me make it up to you"**

" what do you mean?"

**" let me take you on a date George"**

" okay" 


	12. rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You and I will be safe and sound"

George , his first and last. 

Everything felt like a distant memory and the past felt long forgotten as today was the only day that was supposed to matter. The pain had to go away today , the pain that overtook him and made him into a different person. He didn't hate himself , he had no idea who he was. Clay didn't care if he had to bleed himself dry for George , he would do anything for him. They were obsessed with each other - chasing a feeling neither understood. Yet time felt none existent around them. 

It felt like rain that never stopped falling , the rain felt endless because it was. There was no way to stop the cycle . It had it's ups and downs but never left - it never left and became comforting. Who knew suffering was so comforting. They watched each other burn and yet couldn't do a single thing to help each other. They were breaking each other and they couldn't stop. They didn't care about the pain even if they cried over and over for each other.

Just as nothing felt the same without George to Clay - nothing felt the same without Clay to George. The feeling made them sick and slowly killed them from the inside out , it was like they were flower's and winter was slowly coming. Winter was coming and they were dying. They were half way gone - but they were holding onto each other so tightly , they were wrapped around each other and refused to unravel. Eventually one flower will break yet it was just a waiting game. 

George and him sat in silence while going past the city , it reminded him of that one night that George picked him up. He still looked beautiful under the city lights. Everything faded into a blur of lights as he drove though . He would rather look at George but he didn't want to risk anything being the driver. Yet little peaks at the brunet still continued on and on as he almost got distracted from how beautiful he was. George was his flower. 

George was one of the most beautiful things he had ever laid eyes on. He was always pretty no matter what time or what day. Clay wondered how someone could look so angelic. Everything felt so unrealistic as he thought about George- his beautiful lips , his doe eyes , his small figure, everything. He was so tired but never of George - he felt something with George and the brunet made all the pain subside and it felt unrealistic and it was suffocating. 

He reminded him that its not so bad, he reminded him that he had a reason to be happy and smile. George made everything happy while he made everything sad and gloomy but that changed didn't it. He ruined George. George barely ever looked happy anymore and the smile he loved so much was replaced with a frown. A frown that guilted Clay over and over. The person he wanted so badly he broke and he took that happiness. It was his fault. 

They arrived at the park and Clay laid down the blanket and put down the food basket , they both sat down and soon enough Clay took out some food and handed it to George. They sat in a comfortable silence and ate their food. Clay chose to ignore all of his thoughts and indulge in the moment of the brunet being right there - in front of his eyes. They were so far gone and something had to give in at any moment. Something had to change. 

"This looks pretty"

**" I thought you'd like it"**

"I do , thank you"

"you must be a professional at dates"

**"you are my first date ever"**

"why me then?" 

**"I think you know "**

The silence engulfed them as Clay brought George close to him , The space between them was gone and they were almost suffocating in proximity. Neither moved - neither cared. They needed each other. George let him as he stared up at Clay waiting for him to say something - anything. Clay smiled sweetly as he felt his eyes water slightly , enjoying the fact that George stared at him with the same eyes he always did. It was a good reason to stay. 

**" can I sing you a song?"**

" please do"

Clay smiled as he caressed George's cheek , crazy how love sickened him and he was still too deep. Every touch felt so sickingly sweet - hot but cold touches that burned holes in each other. He never wanted not to be in love with George - not even if it killed him not even if he was poisoning himself. The ups will always be better than the downs and he will never regret any of it. He loved the way George looked at him , he wanted his memory of George to live on forever. 

**" just close your eyes , the sun is going down"**

**"you'll be alright no one can hurt you now"**

Clay sung for George and rocked them back and forth , George had cuddled up to Clay by now. George was clutching onto Clay's sweatshirt. George was embracing himself in Clay and it felt all so surreal. They could breathe , they were alive in this moment. Everything was so back and forth. The world revolved around them and them only and that is all that matter for now and now is forever. It can be forever if they just don't let go. They felt like they could live forever in each others arm's. 

Everything felt alright , for the first time in forever they felt safe - safe with each other. Something has to give , something has to change. 

**"You and I will be safe and sound"**

Clay ran his hands though George's hair as George leaned into the touch while he finished the song. Clay twirled strands of George's hair as he held onto him. Clay shivered at every touch , he snuggled into the brunet and inhaled his scent. It was a good reason to stay. 

**" I love you"**

Even though George didn't respond he didn't care , he was in his arms and no one else. Even though he may never hear those words come out of George's mouth he was fine with that - maybe he couldn't say it maybe this was enough confirmation to Clay , but he should have known by now. 

Unexpectedly the rain started to fall , it was like it was perfect timing. The rain was falling and George was in his arms- that is all he ever wanted.

George stood up and made Clay stand up to as they danced in the rain together, they were soaked and nothing mattered at that point. They let themselves go and laughed with each other. Neither of them knew how to dance but yet they made up some kind of dance that was fitting. 

The eyeliner Clay didn't see earlier ran down George's face and he looked like a hot mess but he liked it , he dipped George as the last move and they stared into each others eyes before Clay let George down on the blanket , on top of him as the rain fell . 

Clay traced George's bottom lip with his thumb as they both leaned in , the raindrops falling down their faces as they were practically breathing each other in 

"let me be your drug"

**"nothing feels the same when your not here"**

"watch the rain as its falling down"

"stay in this moment with me , let me disarm you" 

George closed the gap and kissed Clay and as the rain fell so did tears. Tears that mimicked rain. 

the winter always kills the flowers while the summer makes them bloom. 

They got too cold for the rain to continue being under it so they pulled away and pulled each other up , grabbing the basket and soaked blanket and making a run for cover. Once they were safe they just stared at one another yet again before sitting on the ground for more comfort. Clay grabbed the basket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter - the basket was pretty dry as the inside was covered with insolation of some sort. He brought the cigarette up to his lips and lit it.

"why?" 

"I ruined you" 

George crawled towards Clay and into his lap , taking the cigarette from Clay's lips and putting it onto his. George inhaled the smoke while staring into Clay's eyes , blowing it out onto his face as he placed the cigarette back in between Clay's lips.

" I love when you ruin me" 


	13. magnolia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " do you promise?" 
> 
> "I promise"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (drug use , withdrawal)

They were cuddled up outside against a wall, their clothes had still been wet as well though it had been hours that passed. Clay woke up first as he looked around and smiled seeing George in his arms sleeping so peacefully. He looked so calm and Clay was sure he would never forget the way George curled up to him. It felt sickingly beautiful , he would do everything for this moment to last forever but his hands began to shake and his body almost pulsed with the need, 

The sun coming up slowly but not exactly morning yet made the scenery perfect. Clay wondered if it got any better than this , was this the ending he had hoped for? Was this the end game for him? Even though he was going through withdrawal's it didn't matter because he was with George. He rubbed at his eyes before he shook George to wake him up , his hands traveling from George's waist to his hair as he tried to control the shaking for him. He ruffled up George's hair and ran his hands through multiple times as they watched the sky together. 

George was slowly falling back asleep in Clays embrace , it was comfortable. Clay rocked George back and forth making sure to hum to him and let this moment last for as long as possible. He could tell how sleepy he made George again - just from singing and touching him. They were a cure for each other. No matter how calm Clay was with George his hands told him otherwise as he got chills through his body over and over, he needed drugs and now. 

**"wait right here ill be right be back in the morning"**

He leaned George against the wall as the brunet whined and grabbed for him , his eyes barely opened but Clay could tell he didn't wanna be alone from the way he was whining like a child. George was pouting and grabbing for him and he found his heart exploding into a million pieces as he stared at him. 

"take me"

" please"

George let himself be picked up by Clay as they went to the car , Clay didn't wanna bring him for obvious reasons but he could never leave George like that - no matter what he would always take George with him now. He could never let the brunet go and he promised himself that. It was different now , they were different. They were different but the same - they distracted each other from the inevitable. 

He placed George in the car and George grabbed his hand , stopping the shaking as he put Clays hand against his cheek. George turned Clay's hand over and kissed it as a gesture of how much he cared. He must know something. He has to.

"i loved it"

Clay smiled as he nodded in response as his body paused for a second while registering everything going on- all he knew was he had to go and now. He hopped into the driver's seat and turned on the car. He hadn't noticed how hard the withdrawals were gonna hit him , he needed something and now and he had to drag along George which made him wonder how fucked up he was really , he was meeting up for drugs while George was in the passenger seat slowly falling asleep again. 

Clay clenched the steering wheel as his brain got slightly fuzzy , the hurt beginning to become overwhelming but he was so close and he couldn't stop now. He pulled up and parked , he checked on George before he got out and realized he must have been fast asleep by now. He got out and let the cold air hit him like a ton of bricks , his body shaking waiting for something anything - he went into the house and took out his money that he always had stored. 

" what do you need?"

**" ecstasy and a joint"**

" how much ecstasy?" 

**" 1 please"**

The women handed over the stuff as he handed her his money , funny how he was such a junkie that he had to do things like this. When he walked out and went into the near by alley , the place around the house was trashy and barely anyone lived around there. Perfect for drug sellers to live. He took out the blunt and lit it , taking a inhale as his body almost fell apart from how relaxed he became at the slight inhale , he leaned on the wall by now. 

" Clay?.."

Clay looked over at George that stood there watching him , he felt shame rush thru his veins as George stepped closer and closer to him. It felt slow and his heart was beating so loud he could hear it - he was scared George could too. George was just asleep or was he? was he faking it? Clay rethought every situation as the brunet walked , his body beginning to shake more and more at the anticipation. 

George takes the joint from Clay and forces him to look him in the eyes , Clay tried to reach out but stopped- he remembered what he did when he reached out the last time. He let himself crumble inside his head as everything started to hurt again , everything became a blur to him and he almost cried then and there until George started talking. 

“ I told you this before and I’m gonna say it again , I love the way you ruin me “

“but I hate the way you ruin yourself “

" show me everything you have on you"

**" George-"**

"please , for me" 

Clay showed George the tiny plastic ziplock with the pill he had bought , George still holding the joint as he stared at it like he was curious before throwing it on the ground and stomping on it , he prayed it hurt. Clay looked at George while it was happening and he didn't know it would have hurt this much - George took the tiny plastic ziplock as he emptied it and took out the pill , staring into Clay's eyes as he sighed. 

" open up "

Clay opened his mouth as George placed one pill on his tongue , gently guiding Clay's chin and bringing their lips together. If Clay was going down so was George , they both had problems and they were not going to let each other go down alone. 

Clay pushed George against the wall as they continued to kiss each other for a while until both pulled away , lips swollen as Clay laid his head on George's shoulder and let the brunet stoke his hair to calm him down, oh god he was so fucked. 

**"What are we George?"**

" I don't know" 

**"I love you"**

" I know" 

**" tomorrow everything becomes normal again"**

"no - no it doesn't, because we will have each other tomorrow" 

**"do you promise?"**

" I promise" 


	14. Aster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "scared of what?"
> 
> "that loving you is a losing game" 
> 
> "we were always a losing game" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for self harm//blood and slight description-- and panic attacks

George cuddled into Clay , it was the morning and like every other morning they laid together. They were lost but did it matter? did anything matter anymore to them? they knew the future had to come yet they never paid attention to it. They didn't wanna leave - they didn't want their feelings to swallow each other but then again everything changes - everything gives in, everything caves eventually. Nothing lasts forever and happiness never lasts. 

**"do you love me"**

**"please tell me" "**

" I don't wanna fight right now"

**"fight? I just want you to love me back - I need to know that your mine"**

**" love me now or never"**

" I cant chose"

**" we are running out of time"**

"what do you mean" 

**" I don't know how long I can do this George"**

" do what?"

**" wait for you"**

" I cant make up my mind , I want you to hold me down forever but I'm scared of it I'm scared Clay"

**"scared of what?"**

"that loving you is a losing game" 

**"we were always a losing game"**

**"you should know by now "**

**"all I do is give you my love , and you take it and don't return it , there's no reason to stay"**

George didn't answer but his head was all over the place in that exact moment , his head was spinning and he no longer felt the warmth of Clay. The way Clay burned him finally went away and he was freezing, he was so cold it ran through his body and made him shake uncontrollably- he felt sick to his stomach and in that exact moment he felt so far gone. Something broke inside him as he watched Clay stand up - watching the male which felt like slow motion as Clay walked out. 

George ran after him but the snow started to fall , he was so cold - he felt like everything was dying inside of him as he chased Clay but he never seemed to catch him, he was too far gone. George collapsed in the snow and looked at his cold hands and body - he was getting used to freezing , he was getting used to the cold on his skin. He wasn't even properly dressed to be outside but he couldn't find where he was anymore , he looked around and it all felt like his brain was playing tricks on him. 

Everywhere he looked it looked the same , if he moved he would end up in the same space so what was the point of running - what was the point of anything at that point. Even if he tried to stand up his legs collapsed below him and he felt weak , he tried to crawl through the snow as it got thicker and thicker until he was shivering - the cold that he was so used to just became even colder and his body felt like it was on fire , too much cold felt hot.

George tried to call out and it felt like he was being ignored but as much as he called out and got no response he felt the tears rush down his face. The tears fell down his cheek and warmed him in stripes , crying was more comfortable than the cold he was enduring. He needed to find a way out , he needed to get up , he needed to be strong. Yet he couldn't bring himself to be strong without Clay. He could barely bring himself to be anything without Clay. 

He fucked up everything they had going just because he was stupid and couldn't deal with his own emotions. He was stupid and scared of whatever he felt with Clay. The feeling that confused him and made him run around in circles because he could never find out what it was. He never felt this strong about anything , he never felt like this before and as much as he wanted to return his feelings for Clay he didn't understand any of it, but he wanted to- for Clay.

"for Clay"

George was able to get himself up and walk himself through the snow , he walked until he found his house , he had no idea where he was going but he had to do it for Clay. He had to. Everything in this moment was for Clay. He couldn't let this stop him - he needed to figure out what he felt for Clay. Whatever this feeling was - it felt so good. The way Clay held him like he was special and warmed up his body. Clay made him feel like he was on top of a building - but he wasn't scared. He wasn't scared because Clay was always there.

He walked into his house and made his way to his phone , his frozen hands making it hard to dial any number. He needed someone to talk to- he had to talk. Maybe this was the turning point in his life - maybe he was going to finally be happy. Maybe this was the chance he was going to get that was gonna change everything - maybe once he figures out what this feeling is then he can be happy with Clay. Everything is gonna be okay.. right?

"Nick"

_"Yes? Are you okay?"_

"Cold- can you come over?"

_"I'm on my way"_

George grabbed his blankets and wrapped them around himself , his body was finally cooling down but the smell of Clay invaded his nose and he felt like throwing up. Clay didn't smell bad but something about the smell made his memories surface and tears threaten to fall down his face. It hurt? Why did it hurt? Why was he breaking again? He was supposed to be okay , he was supposed to be happy , this was going to be something good - so why ?

He brought himself to the bathroom and the hallway felt so long , the blanket falling off in the middle. He looked in the mirror as he never felt so ugly , maybe that's why Clay left. He was at fault for everything going on - just because he couldn't figure out how he felt. He was dumb , he was so dumb. He felt his body wobble slightly as he opened the cabinet and stared at the blade, grabbing it. 

" he could never love someone like me so why?"

And so blood fell just as tears fell , the pain felt good and it felt like he deserved it. Everything felt like he deserved it. The pain never felt better - it felt comfortable and he was perfectly fine suffering. He was fine drowning himself in the sorrows. He leaned against the door and slid down , his eyes wet with tears as he stared at the marking spot . The spot that marked him finally hitting a all time low. The mark that changed him - he never thought he would spiral so far.

Even when he heard the door to his house opening up he didn't care , he just sat there and stared. He was fine with everything going on. He was weak , he was crying. But nothing mattered in that moment other than the way he felt. Even with everything going on he still wanted to know what he felt for Clay , that's what mattered- Clay. That's all that would ever matter to him and nothing clicked better than Clay. Nothing changed him as much as Clay did , and he liked the change - he finally saw how much they ruined each other but he still wanted Clay.

_" George?"_

_"God fuck George"_

George looked Nick in the eyes as the male struggled to wrap his arm in something that would stop the bleeding. He just sat there with tears rolling down his cheeks and didn't answer at all, the silence was killing him but it was always interrupted with Nick. He felt the world crash on him and his whole body reverted back to freezing again , he was going through waves of emotion and he could barely understand it at all. He wanted to understand it - so bad.

_"George please"_

"hm?"

George voice cracked as he could barely maintain eye contact with him any longer , guilt starting to suffocate him as Nick brought him into a hug. His arms staying limp as he tried to show he cared by leaning into it- that was it. That was all he could for Nick , show he was there and that he was still alive even though how dead he felt inside. All that emotion slowly killing him like a illness - from the inside out he was dying.

_"what happened?"_

"I don't know how I feel about him"

_"name emotions for me"_

"sadness , anger, love, jealousy , scared , and that's all I can think of" 

_"tell me what emotion's you would use to describe him"_

George thought and thought , he went through all of them one by one but one missing. He stared at the wall and bit the skin from his lips off until it bled- when was it gonna click? Sad never fit , neither did anger, jealousy, or scared. He never felt so blind in his life , what was he missing? He felt like his brain was blocking out the one thing that he wanted , the one thing he needed to realize. All of a sudden he felt his heart start to beat rapidly and it felt so clear to him finally.

"I love him Nick" 

Nick pulled him closer now and he cuddled into him, he needed the comfort but he also needed to tell Clay. He finally figured it out and it was going to be okay now. He loved Clay and he wanted to tell the whole world that he did. He loved him with every little bit in his heart. He wanted to be Clay's and only Clay's forever. He wanted to wake up next to him and kiss him good morning. He wanted to have a future with him , a future where he wasn't scared of losing him. 

"I need to tell him"

_"I wont stop you, do what you have to "_

George slowly slipped out of Nick's arms and brought himself to his phone , sitting down and dialing the blonds number. He put the phone up to his ear and waited , listening to the dialing noise over and over until the voice message announcement came on- maybe he should just say it now. He wasn't gonna call again , he just hoped that Clay would get his message and come to him - he had to come back to him. If he didn't then George would always look for him - they needed each other- right? 

" Clay , it's me - George. I need you to know that I want you and , I miss you and I know it hasn't even been that long but everything feels longer without you. Come back please - I love you" 


	15. Amaranthine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you're gonna die"
> 
> "im gonna kill you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw self harm , mental breakdowns

Clay let himself drown in his feelings as he ran until his lungs hurt - he ran until he couldn't feel anything anymore. He felt himself give up more and more as he ran- as much as he was used to fucking everything up this hurt the most. Everything was going so well and he fucked everything up. He messed the whole thing up and just because he was selfish and wanted George to love him back , he should have just kept waiting. Time was running low , he was like a stop watch running out of time. His hands were getting cold and it spread through his body. 

It was over and Clay was sure the brunet would never love him back. It was always only George. George was the only one who knew the way he broke. He would never see day light but his worst fears would , they would always find a way to resurface and destroy him again. It wasn't fair , nothing was fair. He found someone to love and they didn't love him back. He needed to be home for once he needed to be somewhere where he felt safe but there was nowhere that he felt safe anymore , he was losing it and there was no stopping it.

He stumbled into his house and made his way to the bathroom , he stared at the the holes in the walls and the broken glass from the mirror, he didn't wanna do this again - he didn't want old habits to resurface but everything was building up and it was too much , everything was too much - he felt his stomach twist and turn like it was being ripped out, it was painful everywhere and he felt like crying so bad , He just wanted to look in his mirror and tell himself how much he didn't wanna be himself.

**"I said too much"**

**"I love you , I love you, I love you"**

He grabbed at his hair , the tears rimming his eyes at this point. The more he gripped at his hair he felt the bile rise in his throat. He could taste the soap at this point - he was breaking all over again. The taste of soap choked him and yet he gave in. His shaky hands grabbed at the faucet , turning the water on as he he filled the sink with water and mixed the soap in , filling his hand as he let the liquid inside his mouth, letting it inside his mouth but not enough to swallow. Soon enough he began to choke and slightly inhaled the soap coughing as he gripped at his throat , he felt 6 again he felt it all over again and the voices invaded his head.

_"good children don't talk back"_

**"I'm sorry "**

_"good children don't disobey their parents"_

_"swallow it"_

**"please father"**

_"shut up and take it"_

_"no son of mine acts like that"_

The memory made his mind hazy and he was choking against his wall now , it felt so real and like he was reliving his worst nightmare's again he cried and cried as he started to wash his mouth out over and over, trying to get rid of the taste but his memories just flashed over and over again . He wanted to pretend it didn't hurt him but he still cried, he was still traumatized of his past that haunted him from day to day. Yet he filled his bathtub with water and felt his body shiver , the coldness would finally go away with a bath wouldn't it? he should know by now.

He needed to calm down but he couldn't he felt like throwing up over and over again. Yet never could get himself to. The whole world around him was crumbling yet nothing to do about it, the feeling of someone's hand on his shoulder made him shiver and shake even further. Nothing could ever get worse than this , him falling into his maze of thoughts. He was running every way he could but yet there was no way out , no way out of this nightmare he lived. 

He grabbed the bag he had kept under his counter from past mistakes and a card and sorted the drug into lines , snorting one before another. 16 lines to be exact. 16 lines that made him feel fine , or was that just a one time thing for him. There was no feeling fine anymore , he was changing in the worst way possible and there was no reason to stay anymore. He was never going to feel better again. The feeling of love slowly took over him and he was broken- too far gone to be fixed.

**" I should have never the world love"**

**"something had to give , and id give everything for you"**

He grabbed another pack of cigarettes as he lit one and one after another he smoked the one by one , he was ruined and yet continued to further destroy himself. He was a victim to himself. He was both the victim and the culprit of his own destruction. His lungs corrupted with nothing other than smoke and his nose filed with drugs yet his mind filled with a mix of everything he was feeling inside. He never felt so low in his life- this was a new type of low.

The water filled the bathtub and he stared before he got into the bathtub and held himself , his clothes soaked as he couldn't muster up the ability to get out of them. He gulped down all of his problems while shaking and holding his cigarette , bringing it from and to his mouth over and over until it was a bud then grabbing another one and doing the same. The taste was so familiar to him that it didn't bother him , it felt so calming when he inhaled yet so suffocating.

The buds filling his floor one after one and yet nothing mattered but him in that exact moment. He was so selfishly locked away in his feelings - not that he wanted to be though nothing could stop him. He had no control over his emotions and he was powerless in his own mind. He was powerless yet again. No matter how much he loved power it felt like he was giving up on the thought of being powerful ever again. He was too powerless to ever reclaim that title.

He didn't know how he got it in his hand but the blade he held was screaming at him , screaming at him to show blood- to create and destroy himself. He was his own art piece now. He held the blade to his skin and one by one little marks flooded with blood , yet he felt nothing - not even a single bit of pain when pushing the cigarette into his skin to put it out. He was broken wasn't he? He was emotionally numb yet felt everything at the same time.

**" I'm sorry"**

**"I'm sorry I ever said I love you"**

**" I didn't mean to make you cry."**

He felt Georges lips on his wounds , he feels the warmth on his arms and it made him want to cry even more. He was falling apart. He tried to shake his arms yet nothing helped the pressure , the feeling. He felt Georges hands all over him - as much as it warmed him and made him feel comfort he knew it wasn't real and was all in his head - he was crazy. George would never wanna touch him ever again after this , he was utterly disgusting.

His lights were dimmed but he was so scared of the dark now , he felt so alone. He wasn't a child and yet he was afraid , afraid of something lurking upon the depths of the dark and nothing to save him or keep him comfortable. Not even George's touch resided - it faded and he knew it wasn't read yet it hurt so much to know George was all in his head now and not there. He was truly alone now and he wished he never learned the word love to begin with.

He splashed himself over and over with water but he was too far gone to realize anything around him. He felt the reality around him shift and wondered if anything was real to begin with , he wasn't real he couldn't be. Nothing was painful other than his feelings - this had to be fake this had to be a dream. Yet he knew it wasn't and that was the scariest part- he was stuck with no way out to begin with. The maze continuing. 

"Clay?"

**"stop stop stop"**

"clay its me "

**"no its fucking not"**

**"stop lying to me stop"**

"I'm here I promise please"

**"shut up you're just in my head your just in my head"**

He felt everything go away , he hated it , George wasn't here and he knew it - it was his hallucinations. Everything was the worst in this exact moment , he just did drugs and now he was wondering why he was so fucked up- he should know this. He was the cause of this and yet he couldn't come to terms with it. He should know- he should know.

George was his hallucination and it made him so mad , mad at himself because he knew his own weakness and his head used it against him just to hurt him even more. He was poisoning himself , he was his own drug just from the way he fucked himself up. Every little mistake resurfaced like he was reliving life all over again and he just wished for it all to go away , he was fine right? This couldn't happen to him. He had to be perfect.

He shook so hard - the water was now cold from how lost he was - he was so lost and far from perfect and fine. He just wanted someone to be out there , for someone to hear him to help him go through whatever he was going through and yet no one. Nothing. He never let anyone close to him and now he was blaming people for not being there but all he had was George , he had no one else and that is what hurt the most.

He got up and left his bathtub , water on his floor but nothing mattered anymore now did it. He changed his clothes and let himself shake over and over but there was nothing to do about it anymore. There was no way to help himself so he just let himself. He wasn't even in a cold room yet shook like it was winter inside of him. He laid down on the floor and stared at his ceiling in the dark. It was so terrifyingly peaceful, he didn't matter the monsters that lurked. 

**"I'm officially off the rails"**

He screamed out , his vocal cords straining until he couldn't scream anymore. He was half alive at this point , he was so far gone it hurt. Something had to give and yet he gave himself away just like that , all for George and he would do it again and again. He would do anything for George. It was love but also a obsession - pure in that as well. Simply he was overloading himself .

He heard his father all over again .

_"you're useless aren't you?"_

_"cant do one thing right "_

**"please shut up"**

_"what? cant handle it anymore?"_

**"please"**

Tears wouldn't stop falling at this point. He was looping in the same hole as before. His fathers words hurt the most even if he knew his father wasn't there , the silence was so loud and the voices were louder- he wondered why he got out of bed today - why anything today mattered in the first place. Why did he have to fuck everything up so much? If he just stayed in bed and kept his mouth shut than maybe he would have everything again. 

He was in his own false reality , he thought he would have everything but he cant. He refuses his own success though he knows he will always fail in the end , even if he could succeed nothing would feel the same anymore. He was like a building being slowly knocked down and he was finally falling , finally collapsing and it was painful. Pain was such a sudden rush and yet it always ended a nightmare, but he was addicted to it.

**"your gonna die"**

**"I'm gonna kill you"**

He was going insane , he had no more time and running low on time. He was like sand in those contraptions and he was slowly fading away, he hated himself and the need to talk to himself grew louder and louder- just so he didn't have to hear the suffering silence that made his ears ring just hear some kind of sound. His surroundings felt so unfamiliar - like he wasn't even living in his own house at this point- he was a living dead person.

He couldn't save himself anymore, he was so long gone- too deep in the maze to find his way home and yet too tired to even try. His eyes were tired , his body , and his arms. His mind raced from point to point and he couldn't comprehend how it felt to be fine anymore- the pain became so painfully comforting.

He got up and grabbed a piece of paper writing one last note for George. He needed to tell George this. He needed to write to him one last time - one last time.

When he got up it was night , everything was pitch black and he wanted one thing. One last thing. He left the note on his floor to go to his office one last time. Everything he needed was shoved into his pockets as he didn't care to pack anything. There was no need for anything like that anymore- he was too tired all over again. One last time , for everything. George will always be his first and last- till time runs out and even after time runs out.

He grabbed the alcohol he saved and headed out of his house , going to his car. He needed to let George go now, he needed to disarm himself yet there was no way to do it. Only George could disarm him but where was he? He refused to contact George , he couldn't. It hurt too much. He loved everything George did , everything no matter what it was. George was there for him no matter what even through the dumb shit he did- but now he was alone.

The ride felt so god damn long and his body shook , everything felt so slow like his life was in slow motion all over again. He felt the anxiety rise in his chest and it collided with every single thought he had now. He wanted to stop but he was doing this for the better. This would be better than any drug , yet worse than any kiss. Every moment he had with George flashed and made him zone out but it was too late- and that was just the truth.

Clay wanted that feeling in his throat to stop , the need to throw up , and the need to stop - the feeling in his gut to tell him to stop invaded his thoughts yet something pushed him to continue - he knew the consequences to his actions, he believed in himself that something would stop him although he knew he had no one. He laughed painfully knowing he caused this- this was all his fault and now he can blame himself. He was his feelings wasn't he?

The city lights surrounded him and all he could think of was George , the revolving thought of him made him want to scream, cry , and be mad. Mad at himself for finally letting himself go. He was lost without George here. The city lights trapped him inside the thought of George. For the last time. He could never escape this love- and he would bleed himself out just for George. He was stuck between debating now- his love for George or letting time run.

The car was parked and yet he still couldn't get out , he was stuck there overthinking. He was paralyzed inside his own mind and he sat back and just zoned out into whatever he could. His eyes went in and out of focus from just how much he was starring and he wondered over and over when he would gain the ability to finally get out- for the better or good isn't it.

He felt himself finally be ready , he got out and ventured into his building , staring at all the desks - everything used to be in his power , everything used to be his- but now everything felt so meaningless to him. He was a watered-down version of himself. He drove George away from him , and yet knew what he would say. He let it all go down in flames , and couldn't promise himself anything other than always looking out for George.

He took the elevator to the highest floor and popped the cap of the alcohol , taking a sip from the bottle as he ventured onto the roof, yet not even the highest buildings felt high enough - nothing felt right anymore. The elevator reminded him sourly of George. That one night he spend together with him- the touches and kisses gave him life. He could hold onto George for centuries yet he didn't have centuries. He was wrong and let not only himself but George down. 

He sat on the ledge and continued to drink , his thoughts overwhelming yet felt so peaceful within himself. His nightmare yet so calming and peaceful all over again. He would cry a million tears for George- yet he knew the brunet would do the same for him. He was too broken to be loved. It was George that owned his heart and the person he held on closest to. He saw the stars in George's eyes , and he felt sparks holding onto the brunet.

He retraced his lips , remembering Georges lips upon his - he remembered every single touch and it felt sickening to think about but so sickingly sweet. He still could feel the kiss like it was planted in his brain- a core memory that usually kept him going but now his chest felt heavy and he downed more of the bottle just to get rid of the feeling. He was on fire within himself and George burned him alive just as he was the winter that froze everything.

He wished he could erase Georges touch , he wished he could start all over and ignore his feelings like normally , yet he couldn't now could he. Sitting on top of a building he could easily slip off of while drinking was too far gone. His tears could be bottled and fill up a bathtub at this point. He didn't wanna be himself anymore. Erasing George would make this all easier, his hands were getting cold and his shaking became a normal thing for him. He was made from a broken mold.

He stood up and grabbed his phone from his pocket , looking at the miscalls . all from George. He expected it but knew he couldn't call back now. The voice message made him shiver inside , he was six feet under and there was no way out of his grave. He had to listen to the voice message now. Though he knew it would hurt to hear - one last time for everything right? He always kept his word that George was his first and last.

He opened the voicemail and turned around on the ledge , and while the voicemail played - he fell. He felt the wind , the rush of falling felt so good and needed. He was finally doing it. Everything played in slow motion all over again , his brain distorting from all the alcohol and the feeling in his chest resided even though he finally felt free within himself. He no longer had to be himself- he was no longer going to be a walking dead person. He would never get to bloom ever again as the flowers always die in the winter.

"I love you"

and he realized- but too late- he was too far gone by now. He was already falling too far. He was gone- and he wasn't coming back. He didn't wanna be himself anymore , and frankly he got that wish. He never got to bloom ever again - he would never get to see George again. He would never hear those words again and he was falling apart. He wished he could go back he wished he could take it back but winter already got to him. He wished to be Amaranthine. 

And so the note he wrote read, 

**" I reach out though I know I will fail,**

**Yet my mind trails to you,**

**My body frail and weak, your love so hard to read.**

**I will spend centuries longing to decode you,**

**As you will spend centuries longing to disarm me,**

**I seek your love and you as a whole as you are my sanctuary and I am safe within you,**

**You live inside me like a nightmare yet so calm and peaceful,**

**My body used to the pain,**

**My blood will drop in memory of time ,**

**Yet it will stain the lives it has touched,**

**As for the time will run low and the dripping will stop,**

**I long and wait for you ,**

**My mind hoping you would love me back,**

**It was never your love that poisoned me, it was mine**

**I hoped one day you'd find your place,**

**You'd find it within me.**

**As long as you know your place"**


End file.
